Exact Change

                                                   December 14, 2012

If I were going to write now, it would surely be something about my life that is changing.  Changing, finally changing after so long caught in a rut grown crusty.  Everyone knows that change sucks right?  Well, not all change sucks of course, but all change is difficult on some level at least.  And if I could pick what changed, surely I would pick that my migraines would cease, immediately and forever, and that Emily’s migraines would cease immediately and forever.  Hah, but that is not what’s going on, although I don’t know how unfortunate that is exactly.  For sucky and painful and difficult ‘though change can be, infinitely greater can be the reward.  

I am out of the rut, and slammed into the learning curve.  It’s wicked steep I’m finding.  It’s kind of like when I was in that awful marriage, I didn’t have time to process how truly awful it was, I was just trying to plow through to survive.  Since extracting myself from that situation I’ve had to do a different although much better type of plowing through to survive.  The survival has been much healthier to be sure, but there’s been plenty of stress, and only now am I discovering what it’s done to me, how I’ve handled it.  And oh my...revelation is kind of flying at me!  I have trusted God with an awful lot, but I need to Not stop.  I have taken many steps of faith, but there are MANY more to be taken.  I have gotten incredibly run down in my walk with God.  Migraines, kid with migraines, schools vs. food allergies, maintaining a house, trying to maintain some sort of musical life, trying to maintain some sorts of friendships...oh right, ministry.  Love God and make him known.  Make disciples, pray your face off.  I remember these things now a little.

I’m on a plane, going to a reunion of a young adult group that I helped start and run for a couple of years, oh so long ago before I had kids, when I was first married and first discovered that said marriage was in deep shit.  Transparency and Accountability was our young adult group mantra.  Is this my restart?  Interestingly enough, we met at and because of a Christian radio station called the Lighthouse, and the building is in fact shaped like a lighthouse.  WECC, FM 89.3 (Jacksonville 92.9, Waycross 105.9) (http://www.thelighthousefm.org/) It’s been calling me back for many years, and finally I’m coming home to the Lighthouse, at Christmastime no less.  Bring. It. On.

                                                          January 3, 2013

I’ve been home for exactly 2 weeks, and I’ve been telling people that it feels like I was on a 3 week mission trip that got crammed into 5 or 6 days.  I’m not even sure how to go about processing everything that went on.  Perhaps more than anything I came away feeling encouraged and validated, having been able to encourage and hopefully validate the dozens of people I met and interacted with.  I spend so much of my time feeling defective and lame, fighting just to make one end of one day meet the beginning of the next.  And in Georgia (well, JAX) from the time the plane hit the ground to the time it took off again, I got to engage people I love and miss, and even some I just met for the first time, all because I used to be involved face first in ministry, because of the road I’ve walked, because God has never left.  And probably, because I am lame and defective.  I can’t forget that part.  And probably he’ll keep using me.  Hm...

There were consequences of course to my sad body.  I was on attack-the-migraine meds the whole time, culminating in don’t-drive-when-you’re-on-these meds by the last day.  *shrug*  What do you do?  That’s why I have them I suppose.  Apparently I am doing so well on the Botox that we’re starting to lower the amount of Topamax I’m on!  Just because I had a migraine for a month straight the last time we tried that, does not mean that’s going to happen this time!  I swear that’s not what that means.  I swear I'm not the slightest bit worried that that's what that means.  *__*

So snap back to today’s festivities, when Sasha’s right eye hurt from the light.  (Sasha, not Emily who already gets migraines.) Back it up, Sasha’s been having random tummy aches for a couple of few months or so-ish.  So Grandma and I decided to try dropping dairy for a while to see if it helps, even though the girls have already outgrown their milk allergies, and can already not eat 5 million other things between them.  It’s only been a few days, but no tummy aches since.  Of course, her eye hurts from the light today.  (...giant.......pause...) *twitch* #notmakingthisup  Oh right, God’s timing for my trip to Georgia was stupid obvious, I’m having a spiritual reawakening, and we have been provided for abundantly, nonstop, without fail, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I’m not giving up peace just because I don’t get the exact change that I want.

I will wait and wonder, about ministry, about my life, and about my children.  Heh. It’s kind of funny to be back on the rice milk, because each of the girls had a slightly different name for it when they were still in diapers. Memories.  (: Good thing we decided to drop dairy AFTER I started letting go of things, otherwise I would have really freaked out.  Wait a second, cows eat corn, even organic cows I bet!  Stupid Corn!!!  Once Sasha’s tummy’s clear for a while I was thinking of getting my rear in gear and going for the raw grass-fed cow milk.  Or maybe one of the other 17 options flying around in my head.  It really does seem like too much at times, but then another breath happens.  And look, one more.  And what was I saying about prayer and worship and people?

"I will wait for you, Jesus.  You're the sun in my horizon.  All my hope's in you, Jesus.  I can see you now arising."  Jason Upton