Two Year Cocktail

Stranger things have happened I guess.  The last time I went four days in a row without rescue meds was November of last year.  Today is pushing six days sans the meds, which might actually be a two year record.  What feels different about this stretch is that I'm still tired.  I still don't feel good, and I guess that's what gives me hope.  Maybe that's what's even prolonging it.  Typically I start to feel good, see the madness around me and do what I can to overcome it in any degree, and then sink again into migraine.  So maybe Topamax plus Melatonin is my magic cocktail, for now anyway.

Cured I am not yet but if you can break that cycle and give the brain a chance to stop going crazy, it can only be a good thing.  And I count it a victory for sure, even tho nothing's been planted in the garden and I don't feel six days worth of productive in a typical sense.  Six days doesn't erase a life long battle with migraine, nor sixteen years of chronic insano migraine brain.  But interestingly enough, it came just in time to deal with a few things.

One of those things is early hormone week.  Like, really early hormone week.  Is that a side-effect of Melatonin?  I'll have to do some more research.  I don't have all the things memorized on that shnazz yet.  Still, I haven't run into the typical hormone migraine, and that's unheard of.  Absolutely unheard of except for one other time in the past sixteen years so, bonus.  Another fun thing I've been dealing with is Sasha's stomach.  A week into doubling her new med, her migraine has gone mostly abdominal.  Well, it starts abdominal and then moves into her head for the evening.  I'm going to call it progress because at least we're messing with her.  And that means Sasha and I have been trying to avoid her rescue meds all day with ice, essential oils, baths, and general distraction.  That takes effort, lemme tell you.  That goes on top of the constant feeding, of course.

But probably the most eye-rolling thing to deal with this week is the girls' dad's baby-momma.  She got it in her head to be upset with me and I'm not really sure why.  I think it has mainly to do with the fact that she is followed around by a life time of bad decisions which include the fact that my worst decision (steven) is her best one, and he still owes me money.  So out of nowhere she started facebook messaging me.  (:  It's mostly hilarious, but also mildly distracting from my real life.  I emailed her third baby daddy (steven) and asked him to take care of it, and to remind her that I've paid off his credit card twice, and put money into his bank account a few time.  *huge eye roll*  But who's keeping score?  Not her apparently.

So I guess all told, not a bad week?  I mean, yes more (forever and ever) asinine school emails about food in the class, and no, we're not all cured from migraine and yes we all still eat like the freaks we are, but it could be and has been worse.  Did I forget to mention the birthday food again with the late notice change of plans?  Not even worth it.  I am however playing guitar this week.  Always worth it.

Bitter, Angry, Exhausted

Imagine with me there's a miracle cure for migraine, but there are only 5 or 6 places in the U.S. that offer this treatment.  Now imagine that one of the places is my ag town. (random, but stay with me.)  Now imagine that my insurance actually approves this treatment and they want me to start Monday.  Monday, like in less than a week Monday, but I can't because it takes a 5-day stint in the hospital for this treatment to work.

Clinic Lady: "You've been approved for treatment, can you start Monday?"
Me:  "...Uh...wow, awesome, but I can't do this until June." *silently weeping*
CL: "Can you tell me why?"
Me: (oh my god) *deep sigh* "I'm a single mom and both my little kids have migraines and food allergies, and they're not even normal food allergies so no one wants to take care of them or can even feed them.  My oldest daughter's migraines are under control with meds but my youngest daughter just went to Stanford because hers are not and we're doubling her new meds tonight and hoping nothing crazy happens and my mom who we live with is a teacher and no one gets out of school until June..." *takes breath*
CL: "Oh wow, I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  Ok well just let us know because approval only takes a couple of days."
Me: *blank stare*

So this "miracle cure" is a thing where they stick you in the hospital and shoot you up with stuff three times a day for 5 days, and it has a stupid high success rate for at the very least, VASTLY IMPROVING YOUR STUPID MIGRAINE LIFE.  So that you don't have a migraine every damn single day.  So you can be a functional human being.  And what were the chances that a headache doctor would come to town?  But one did, and she is literally down the street and around the corner from my effing house.

And I won't be getting treatment on Monday.  And I won't be getting treatment as soon as humanly possible in June because family stuff.  Good, great, amazing stuff, but oh my god, haven't I been fucking tortured long enough?  I'll just be waiting, exhausted and in pain, and I'm having a bit of a hard time with that.  I do not know how to have a good attitude about this.

And having that actual conversation yesterday is killing  me, because it's planting season, I have dirt and seeds, and a kids who can't eat anything who could really REALLY use some variety in her diet, and not an ounce of energy to make boxes and plant anything or even fertilize or haul grey water to the fruit trees we already have.

Really?  Since when was Joss Whedon put in charge of the screenplay?