Monday, September 22, 2014

Thin Is In

Reasonably certain my guitar callouses are gone, as I haven't picked up any guitar in about 10 or so months.   I'm losing my thick-skinned-ness in general as well.  (note to self: don't eat grapes in a half lit room.  The moldy ones sneak up on you. *spit spit spit*)  I would think the constant rub of people's reactions would make for better callouses,  but I've worn thin instead of thick.  Not that it's thin without triumph.

Sasha: "I'm happy because I've been feeling good for all these days."

Wrap it up, can it, call it a day.  I've been fighting for that for months.  It's why people react to questions I ask them and explanations I give them, why I fight my Mom and her attitude and her memory every day,  why I force myself to eat every day, and why my mom-guilt over Emily's shitty behavior has taken a back seat.  It seems like we have finally reached a baseline, where Sasha is not having a migraine every day,  and where I can single out the food that is causing her to react should we care to trial anything.  And it's just about killing me, but not quite.  And in that space where hope nags and mocks instead of helps is where we are surviving.

My mom is finally taking all of this seriously, since I started describing to her in detail the ways I could kill one or more of us, as I contemplate it daily.  Daily.  She said I needed therapy, but I'm pretty sure she needs more, so I'll get some when she does.  Anyway we have no time.  2-3 days a week we are hauling ass to Farmer's Markets and harassing farmers who are either a) annoyed that I'm suggesting their organic crops aren't safe for someone by even asking about pest control and using the word "allergies" b) utterly confused when I ask what they use for pest-control because all their sprays are thoroughly certified organic duh c) really glad I asked what they use for pest control and wish more people would or d) utterly confused why I would even ask because of COURSE they would never spray ANYTHING! <3.  And then there is the apiarist (bee dude) who I just called out for lying.  I asked what he fed his bees.  *confused look* "Nothing" as he proceeds to tell me about the process which somehow included sugar water.  I stopped him and said, "So you lied.  You Do feed your bees."  But then he was totally cool and he had a few figs too and it sounded like they were just growing up on some mountain near his bees so I bought almost all the last few bags of figs he had.  I hope I was right to trust that he didn't spray anything on them when he said he didn't.  He looked at me like I had 6 heads when I made sure he didn't spray anything on them.  *sigh*  And that is why I am thin of skin, flesh, and pants size.  Actually the pants size is due to the Topamax and the low-nickel diet.  Damn it all to hell.

Where were we?  Oh right, so the market days wipe me out, which are the weekends and the weekdays are school days and also processing of procured food days.  The dehydrator never stops running, the freezer need re-organizing, and I need to start canning.  (I seem to be pretty good at fermenting except for sourdough starter, which I have officially given up on as Sasha can't seem to do any grains anyway.) And for as excellent as it is to be back on migraine-botox, migraine is still kicking my ass.  I will have more than 15 rescue med days this month.  I am accomplishing TONS, but I feel like shit 24/7.  Our 23andme test kits are here, maybe I'll be able to suss out some useful info.  And maybe when Sash is stable for a month or two or six and if we survive the winter and she gets back in school and we get our garden going...maybe I'll have the brains to find and deal with a useful medical practitioner?  I'm so goddamn tired.  But my six year old isn't living on coffee and tylenol anymore.  She's living on food that isn't making her sick.  Booyah, I win.