Monday, January 27, 2014

Oceans, tears, and my FECB

Fine, FINE!  Oh no really, *happy sigh* it's way more than fine, and if it hits the fan and disintegrates, I had my chance and one of you should pick him up, because he's an excellent decision, which is in fact what made me decide to unblock him from facebook and start talking to him again in the first place.  My bad.  But that's probably another blog entirely, and certainly another story for another day.  But since you were asking (and a few of you are now fb stalking me) here's who he is, (who I am) and also why I was front and center stage yesterday, crying and shaking during Both services.  This is my blog, and why I may have to re-address it wheatcornmigraineslegosandlightsabers.

Actually, if you want all the gory details of my life, there are like 2 years of posts you can weed through at your own leisure.  That's pronounced like 'pleasure', like Captain Picard would say it. Sorry for the typos and general word vomit.  As you read, you'll understand why.  I guess I'll start with yesterday and work my way back.  I haven't been on the worship team in months, most recently because of a killer bout of sinus/ double ear infection, topped off with ever present come-and-go migraine.  Migraine is par for the course right now, exacerbated by insurance woes [read: jagweeds], whereas the infection was just a once in a blue moon winter bonus.  So finally I get back and I am informed that I get to lead the song Oceans, a song I first became aware of because one of my best friends found it helpful after her infant son went home to Jesus.  Let's just pause to digest that shall we? {......pause for reflection......}  Okay, so now I'm really learning this song and consciously NOT thinking about how I first became aware of it, because there's no way I'm going to be able to lead this song otherwise.  Worship yes, lead, maybe not. But don't worry, apparently there's plenty of drama in my life to derail the leading of this song anyway...

You see, come the bridge where it talks about being led to where my faith is without borders, well, I feel like I've been living there for I don't even know how many years now.  As in, life has been senseless and terrifying in just about every possible way for so long, that I haven't even known how to dream anymore and that is not hyperbole.  Not that I would have called it bad per se.  My family and my friends kick ass, and clearly we have been provided for.  But seriously, blind faith and trust leaves you weary as hell.  Bone dry weary.  Maybe I've been doing it wrong and maybe it's just where I've needed to be.  Of course refinement sucks, but so does my attitude sometimes. [read: a LOT] I do know this 'though, that anyone prone to encouraging others also needs a lot of encouraging, and there's just something different when a cute boy who waits two years for you to come around is relentless about encouraging you. :D  Enter Curtismeister, who is an old friend, who waited forever...

So, I've been obsessed with Psalm 23 as per my last post.  Well lo and behold my first time back to Sunday service in weeks revealed to me that we are doing a series on...PSALM 23!!! So yeah, stoked. (That's californian for 'really excited', like stoking a fire) Somewhere between studying the verses I have been most encouraged by lately, reconnecting with Curtis which has pretty much been the best thing ever, and standing in front of the entire congregation and pouring our guts out together to Jesus, well, it was a #beautifulmess.  At least that's what I'm going to tell myself until I watch the recording. :-/  I've been leading worship...holy crap for 21 years!  I've never lost it like that before.  I must finally be growing up.  And I don't think crying and shaking while leading worship counts as 'losing it'.  It was definitely new.  Change and let go.  I lack nothing.  Told ya.

Oh yeah, I was supposed to tell you about my FECB, my Fancy East Coast Boyfriend.  What am I supposed to say?  He's a boy! He likes legos and nerf guns and star wars!  Yes Trish, he is aware of and avoiding gluten, happy?!?  Not because he hates it, because of our weird family, which he really likes!!  He's an introverted nerd like my mom, and he moonlights as a preacher, like my dad.  And he's a boy, like the cat.  Any questions?  Change and let go is scary, but much better than senseless and terrifying.  And anyway fear is the mind killer.  I will let my fear pass through me.  Maybe I WILL get a tattoo after all.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

My Tatted Arms

If I were to ever get tattoed, I would probably get the words "Change and Let Go" on my right arm, and "I Lack Nothing" on my left.  The words on the right have been a mantra since my eyes became lasers that attempt to root out all things glutenous and corn, on top of our already interesting existence here at #casaespinoza.  We wouldn't survive without constantly letting go of things, and changing our definition of not only breakfast lunch and dinner, but also birthdays, holidays, school activities and advocation, travel, church, arts and crafts, shit you name it!  But I digress.  The words on the left are of course from psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing." Devastatingly simple and obvious, yet easy to forget and hugely consequential.  And when you put them together, there is no fear left to hold you back.

Me and my imaginary tattooes have recorded 5 days this month with no migraine rescue meds so far! Which I think think puts me on track to have an even better month than last, which is great since I am not anticipating any more group illness leading to a downward spiral of infections, plugged ears, fits of crying etc..  In fact, so confident were we that our Christmas vacay was topped with a trip to some family's house, no small feat considering the amount of food and meds we have to take!  The small mammals ran circles outside all day every day, and we even came home with an outdoor/patio, vintage model cat, Captian VonCatt. He's at least 10, and will hopefully die before Indie, thus emotionally preparing us for her eventual passing.  Ah, life. (: Sasha is having a harder time with change and let go, as she wept and had to remover herself from the vet's office at the "saddest news of her life" yesterday upon finding out that Captain is old, and not particularly spry. But he is sweet, and partial to being held and petted.

I was very proud of Sash for working through her feelings yesterday, and even still today.  This morning whilst huddling about the heater she asked me how a person could be happy and sad at the same time.  This led to a discussion about contentment vs circumstances, and knowing that she was loved all the time no matter what.  And possibly also about sleeping baby unicorns...or was that from yesterday?  She pretty much IS Agnes from Despicable Me.  And Emily was so awesome, trying to help cheer her up as much as possible.  They do try to break me in turns, but it's pretty much what I expected.  And then they really pull it out sometimes.  Thus continues the reminders that life is good, and has hard times which suck, vs life being hard and sucking, a mindset I had inadvertently adopted sometime over the past (mumbles) years.  #revelation  Oh that's right, I Lack Nothing.
Rope Swings At Sunset, Vacay