Monday, May 29, 2017


We survived another school year, accidentally stopped giving Sasha half her meds every day, she is feeling 2 orders of magnitude better because of it, Steven is coming home in about a month, and he can burn in Hell for all I care.  Oh, and I've been trending up in migraine days since the beginning of 2017.

When Steven and I were separated he decided to whore it up, spend my life savings, get into debt, and make a love child.  He currently pays generous child support which I am of course completely in support of.  However, I recently had to loan Steven one thousand dollars from the meager savings I've managed to scrape together since we've been separated, because he accidentally made double car payments on both his cars this month.  It could have been an honest mistake, except that he was intentionally hiding the fact he had purchased a car for his baby momma and was still paying for it, (in addition to the generous child support).  So to be clear, he literally spent my life savings, ran up tens of thousands of dollars in debt whoring around, and is still spending my savings on his baby momma's car.

And only when he got caught hiding the fact that he's still spending my money on a secret car for his baby momma did he 'fess up to gambling away three thousand dollars in February of this year.

Needless to say I was upset.  But you know what?  I did manage to process this on an adult level [after some HEAVY swearing and several days of radio silence] and acknowledge all the work he has put into our relationship and being a parent.  I told him that I would no doubt continue to have trust issues but that we would continue to work through it.  I realize that he is human and still makes mistakes and when it comes down to it, we need him here.  The kids need him, I need him, shoot even the dogs need him.  So we're a family and he's an asshole but I still love him.

A few days after I acknowledged all this to him and we were on good speaking terms again, I asked him what he was planning on doing about the car situation.  I wanted to know and my mom was asking me.  He had no idea, so I let it go a couple more days.  Then I asked when he was flying out to get his car so he could sell it.

[If you have delicate sensibilities, just stop reading]

Then that degenerate motherfucking insane piece of stale shitstain told me I was mean.  He said that was mean, but probably the logical thing to do.  Dear reader, need I tell I lost my mind?  What little mind I have left after raising his two chronically ill kids that had to be removed from him because he constantly endangered them due to carelessness with their life-threatening food allergies, I lost.

I apologize for assaulting you with this story, but I have been pondering and praying, stewing and meditating and I got nothing, except that writing it out makes me more and more nervous about letting Steven exist in our lives.  Days later and he still has no plan to get his second "secret" car.  We reconciled over a year ago, long before he ever decided to gamble.  (If he's telling the truth)  We knew there was a family reunion coming up, were thinking about doing a rededication ceremony there.  How beautiful would that have been?  Lololololfuck. That. Shit.  He is the deceiver he has always been, I am the least of his priorities that I have always been, and I am out of options.

How screwed are we?!?!!  At least the kids are old enough now to not let him poison them I FUCKING HOPE OH MY GOD.  And seriously, trending up in migraine days this entire year, I could do without.  Probably the Sasha miracle is to keep me from honest to God burning the house down.  Thank you Jesus.