Expletive Expletive Expletive Expletive Expletive. Darn that it takes so long to type, because in my head it comes out like machine-gun fire. So fast and hot and furious, like spit and anger and definitely not love. Mulitplied by, geeze, at least 50. I was going to say ten thousand but to be fair, these are people we're dealing with and they do have families and such so, I don't ACTUALLY want them murdered in their sleep. I just want them to do their expletiving jobs because when I was a violin teacher, my students had the option of quitting and NONE OF THEM EVER DID. I quit, to have Emily. Why the fuck did I have to call my neurologist's office and tell them how to put in a request with my insurance to inject my face with botulism? If I have to tell them how to just do the goddamned paperwork, do I really want them in charge of injecting me from the shoulders on up, with botulism?
It's taken me about 7 hours to calm down enough to be able to be able to really process this, the scope and magnitude of the problem I'm facing here. First there was the last name mix up. As much as I'd like to have my old last name back asap, I still have my "married" name on all official paperwork. Hah. Paperwork. That implies work was done. Anyway, somewhere between still working in the same office as my old neurologist (even tho I see him at a different location) they managed to stick my maiden name on all my new paperwork. My maiden name isn't on anything, not any ID anywhere, and I was never referred to as such as the old office. My god, if only social security were so efficient at changing names! They say it's not affecting service, I just have to make sure to use it when identifying myself, and then I have to go to hospital records and change it when I get the time and energy thank you so much for that. Then I've been under the impression for two months that we've been waiting on my jagweed insurance to approve the botox since you know, they like to put up as many roadblocks as possible which are the exact words my new neurologist said to me. ("roadblocks" not "jagweeds") Except he forgot to mention that his people have no clue how to do paperwork, a fact I should have picked up from the name fiasco. My bad. And while I spent a month dying and another month recovering, both with record setting amounts of migraine days, I haven't been hounding people for answers as to why approval is taking so long. After just getting a new neurologist took so long. (genuine insurance-at-fault mix up, 'they' tell me) And then just getting an appointment took...so...long.
Here. Here is where I grapple...no. Here is where I fucking lose it. No really, here is where I would turn to dust and blow away but for faithful friends and family and promises and the best kids ever. Oh hell no, no one made it to school today. Because yesterday I decided to not take any rescue meds just because I was sick of it. So come 5 after midnight, me and the heavy meds had a small and quick meeting and it went something like *gulp*. And I tell you what, I met and exceeded the hell out of my only goal for today which was tracking down the medical idiocy for lo and behold I also a) showered and b) did the dishes! I guess it was a banner day now that I think about it. Not bad for letting the natives run wild, not getting up until almost 10:30, and vaporizing MMJ. And now I will show you a way that is beyond comparison...
Among other things, love is not easily angered or resentful. Expletive. Expletive expletive expletive expletive. Although, not quite as machine-gun-y. *throws hands up in frustrations* Well obviously I suck at loving in general, and especially at loving my life right now, and most especially these *shaking in anger* expletiving expletives whom I have chosen to see right now for medical "care" because I thought it would be overall better than going to San Fran or Standford and getting on a 6-9 month wait list just to get in and then waiting for approval and THEN getting shot up with botulism, and skipping naps for every appointment which just means a bonus migraine. Effing hindsight. I'm sure Jesus, that none of this took you by surprise. I need your debilitating love to stop me from hurting myself and others. BECAUSE THE FIRST THING THAT LOVE IS, IS PATIENT AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHH #FAIL #FAIL #FAAAAIIIIIIILLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amen.
Wait.
Love is...patient? *blink* How long in what language has patient [wait with a good attitude] meant patient [person with a medical need]? It looks weird and french to me. Totally unfair Jesus. Totally unfair and touché, I see what you did there. #wellplayedjesuswellplayed
