TMI-This product may cause sudden explosive diarrhea

Let's talk about sudden, explosive diarrhea.   It is uncomfortable, as you might imagine.  Or maybe you don't have to imagine, because you've had it, and you are now recalling the circumstances that brought you the feeling of ominous death in your guts, your mad dash to the water closet, and the violent expulsion that ultimately, brought relief.

Grapes are supposed to be a low nickel food.  I am way stupid sensitive to nickel in plant based food, so my diet is stupid limited.  (because we don't have enough food issues here, apparently) Grapes are about the only convenient fruit I thought was safe.  4 grapes and 4 hours later, I'm not so sure anymore.

In my reading about explosive diarrhea, I learned that your intestines are made of epithelial cells, which are also the type of cells your skin is made of.  It makes a little more sense now why nickel runs screaming from my body, since even most doctors still consider nickel allergy to be just a skin contact issue.  But in all fairness, even among nickel allergics it usually is.

And while hopefully the vast majority of the excess grape nickel has made its great escape, I must still contend with the residual itch, the small pokey spots that pop up on my face, neck, chest, and arms lest I forget so quickly the consequences of forbidden food.

I am angry.  I am upset that at 36 I can learn how to use a real abacus and also teach my migraine-plagued 7 year old, read Don Quixote in Spanish and English, keep everyone's regular pills, migraine journals, food allergies, emergency meds, and doctor appointment straight, and still have no hope for a future until glorious death frees us from the shit bombs known as Today, Tomorrow, and the Next Day.  No amount of effort is going to cure any of us of anything.  I don't feel like there is much of a point to doing cool nerd things, when what I really need is to have the FUCKING ENERGY TO GROW FOOD.  Food I can't eat of course, but that's hardly relevant since it would be food my kid/s can eat.  This, this is not life.  I walk around in a pretend, fake body, waiting for the end of a pretend, fake world.

We are utterly in God's hands, and God's hands kind of suck right now.  I watch my friends go through cycles of life, you know, highs and lows.  We don't have cycles, just sick, sicker, and completely non-functional.  For years now, that's it!  But maybe Sasha will get so obsessed with abacus math that she'll become a mathematician, make lots of money even WITH continual migraine and disabling corn allergy, and be able to start her own corn free farm, thus revolutionizing food in crap America.

And maybe someday crap food America won't be a wretched majority two-party system of government.  Hah.

The Bottle of my Mind

I slept about a bajillion hours yesterday, which was good because today was a big day full of many errands.  The most disconcerting thing I did today was add to Emily's migraine journal.  The most fun thing I did today was buy school supplies at Target.  The things I am most proud of accomplishing today are hitting two doctor appointments (one for each child) and processing some pears and zucchinis.  I don't think today would have been NEARLY as productive if I hadn't slept so much yesterday, and I would not have slept so much yesterday if I hadn't been fighting migraine all weekend.  This is not an upside to migraine, but it does make me wonder if I'm a new species, a step backward on the evolutionary ladder if you will.

My brain is still a little...buzzy.  It feels fuzzy, but at least it doesn't feel like vomiting anymore.  It's the difference between being able to give the definitions to words my kids are constantly asking for, and waving them away.   And the evening exhaustion is still a go-and-hide kind, but at least it's not a run-weeping-and-slam-the-door kind.  Oh, and I haven't collapsed on the floor at any point today, so bonus.

There's just got to be a better way to get here.  And then, *sigh* Em's pediatrician had to point out today that "These are things we don't normally see" at our referral appointment.  You know, as I sat there with my one corn allergy kid who already goes to UCSF for uncontrolled migraine, and he's examining my other allergy kid whose migraine monster just woke up, like The Obvious wasn't just staring us in the face but also doesn't have its fingers up our noses; Ya, pretty sure I'm aware nothing about us is normal, which is why we go to the doctor like most people get pizza.

So, another trip to UCSF in November, and another in December, and after that hopefully we can either get the girls appointments aligned or do them over the computer, or align them over the computer.  They're all kinds fancy like that.  Until then, I've got to teach Em to grit her teeth and cope with the pain, because school exists.  She just joined the band too, damn it.  Which brings me to our futurecast...

We know a lot more about migraine now than when I was a kid.  No one is telling me that Emily either has Leukemia or growing pains, as my mom was told when I was having undiagnosed abdominal migraines as a kid.  Sasha is already on better meds than I was on ten years ago, and the fact that Emily will be on her second set of neurologists soon is orders of magnitude beyond where I was at her age.  And yet, I still can't imagine anything close to a decent life for either of them.  I'm sure this is just me projecting, and by no means do I spend time worrying about their futures.  Ain't nobody got time for that mess, it's still pear season for the love of all things holy!  But every time we talk about future anything, it feels like pretend.

But we found a really cool notebook at Target today.  It has movable tabs, pockets, and even a spot to hold onto your pen.  Plus I got a couple of nifty D ring binders for my homeschool schnazz.  Still hate homeschool, still love school supplies.  Oh, and when we got there, they hadn't even popped the popcorn yet so Sasha didn't have to wear her mask.  Double Bonus.  Triple bonus, my new organizational paradigm arrives Wednesday.

20 cent October (pair of dimes)

So, I need a moderately convenient way to keep two paper migraine journals, because that's how UCSF rolls.  The three different apps on my phone are obnoxious enough, but at least they keep mine, Sasha's, and Emily's separate.  And truth be told, I haven't used it for Sasha in a million years because there is no point currently.  However, Sasha has two paper migraine journals.  Now Emily is going to have the app as well as the UCSF journal, since she started getting abdominal migraines again, and until we actually can get to UCSF, I may as well start getting used to their journaling for her as well as Sasha.  Actually, we'll be using those for the foreseeable future.

Fuck.  I don't want to carry around a clipboard.  Those stupid things are a full sheet of paper each.  UCSF is the best place I've ever been to, but their migraine journals suck.  First of all, they need to be electronic because IT'S THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND FIFTEEN.  Second, I already carry a backpack for everyone's emergency meds, emergency food and water, emergency hats and shades etc., I don't want a bigger one for our flipping migraine journals as well.

There is no pinterest for us.  Actually, maybe there is, I just haven't looked. Quick, someone see if there's a pinterest for how to keep all your paper migraine journals and emergency food and meds handy and organized.

I'm afraid I need a new backpack organizational paradigm. Swear swear swear swear swear.  Oh wait, undetectable extension charm!!!  Shoot, never mind.  Blagh.  I need...something.  You know, Tom Bihn, maker of all things svelte in the bag and organizational department, probably has exactly what I need.  *sigh*  It'll just cost.  But everything costs.

Dear Jesus, please bless us with unlimited energy, health, and money.  Amen.

You know, someday I would like to carry a  pretty purse, play music, and purchase and wear clothes beside the same jeans and t-shirts I've been wearing for untold years now.  Not that I'm upset about my awesome backpack (which i LOVE!!!) or my clothes, but I do miss the music.  And the interaction with grown-ups about other stuff beside illness.  But I do enjoy the feeling of badassery that comes with canning and preserving food, and surviving the massive shitstorm that is our life.  I mean, mainly it sucks missing everything and not talking to friends and family and feeling misunderstood and writing letter after letter and blog after blog about the same thing, but thankfully, we are not without triumph.

Well, I've gotta go pickup some homeschool curriculum, and blow money on a new organizational paradigm.  Then of course there is more food prep to do since I'm always behind, this week due to lovely hormone migraine.  Change And Let Go, my favorite invisible tattoo is always there to help me roll with it.  I Lack Nothing has been less helpful these days, but we're still here I guess.  It's probably good I have both, if for nothing else than balance and symmetry.  Hah, at least my invisible tattoos are balanced, if nothing else in my life is!