Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Tough Nothin'

Tough nuts. (Damn, no nuts...)  Gluten, when over mixed in say, muffins or pancakes makes your baked goods tough.  That's why I call the girls overmixed-muffins, because they are tough-muffins.  What do I call them now, because that weird bread I made today was a kind of crumbly!  The day was tough, and the bread was me, and the girls were straight up evil.  Yes I know, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  They can have apples.  They both had apples today.  I can get a bag of organic apples from the store by Sasha's school for a decent price.  All I think about is food.  Food; why who is itching where; and how soon who can go to bed.  Thankfully the girls just think about being girls.  Unfortunately, the girls just thinking about being girls does not include anybody's sleep habits. (read: the girls in their devious childishness didn't let Momma nap today.)

It feels like I'm treading water, staying afloat to be sure but not really making progress.  Which can't be true because this is day two of my head truly not hurting.  Persistent exhaustion is ALWAYS better by itself, rather than accompanied by head and neck pain.  I perhaps had higher hopes for the bread.  It's expensive as crap for the mix plus shipping, and I feel like I just have so far to go in fiddling with the bread machine and other flours and sources, that it's further exhausting to even think about.  But maybe today was just hard because my precious little tough muffins forgot that I spent the morning wearing myself out making them bread and then didn't let me nap, which is by the way an extremely well-established routine and something completely necessary to my anti-migraine existence.  Napping that is, not the bread-making.

This GF, Corn Free, Nut Free bread making is a total bitch.  And I didn't realize how stressed out about it I was.  We've been doing fine without bread, no one's going hungry, no one's complaining.  But having bread in the house again was a thrill, and even my Mom admitted that she missed having it around.  What it did to me was show me how desperate I am to have some sort of convenience or comfort or maybe triumph when it comes to food.  I can make a killer smoothie and it's kind of exhausting.  Making plain yogurt into "yummy" yogurt isn't as bad but it's still work. By the time lunch is over and dinner is through I'm ready for bed on both occasions.

But maybe it's more than just the bread.  Maybe it's just that it would be nice to be able to pack a sandwich and take the kids someplace, like a birthday party.  I dread going to parties of any sort for any reason.  First, they wear me out because 1.) I'm a people-person and I can't control myself when I get around people and 2.) I have to feed my kids which is an infinite hassle requiring lots of planning and effort and while that sounds bad you have to consider, I'm on a painfully thin shoestring budget of energy.  Wheat, Corn, and Migraines. Crazy, not Nuts.  Put all that in a couple of loaf pans and you get today; weird bread, (sandwichable; barely, packable; no) kids who learned some hard lessons, and one Momma who is ready for a better day.

I feel like I should feel better for being two days with no migraine pain and for successfully (just barely) sandwiching fresh (weird and very small) bread today.  I suppose the reality that I am still so enslaved by migraines even when not enslaved by pain hit pretty hard.  I like to forget that as often as possible.  But maybe this means Botox is kicking in early?  Botox or Corntox...;)

Friday, March 23, 2012

All or Nothing

Piece of junk.  It was all or nothing.  It was do all the scratches or schedule an appointment to talk to the allergist, and then re-schedule the scratch tests.  (read: 4 week delay) Ugh....so I said fine, scratch her 41 times, test her for peanuts, tree nuts, carrots, dogs, dust, milk, eggs, soy, rabbits, people, happy thoughts, nightmares, monsters, fish, light sabers, leather, fluorescent bulbs, darkness, books, furniture, trees, grass, pollen, ceiling tiles, and laughter.  And wheat and corn.  Well as it turns out, according to the scratch test which was "accurate" since the control scratch caused a bump, she's allergic to...nothing.  Not a damn thing.  Our consult with the allergist who I'm starting to doubt even exists anymore isn't for another two weeks.  TWO WEEKS!!!  When I told the nice lady who scratched her 41 times for no apparent reason (she really was super nice) what has been going on and how it's all gone now since I quit feeding her wheat and corn, she said keep not feeding her wheat and corn.  :-l  kI'lldothat.  Because I'm not a big fan of the superfits or the progressively worse face rash or Sasha scratching her skin off or the tummy-aches or the random diarrhea. (and occasional gas that could fill up a room)  And in two weeks, we'll talk blood testing.  Until then, I'll enjoy Sasha's pretty skin and pleasanter disposition.

In other news, I got both kids out the door today WITHOUT a migraine.  Can I go all day folks?  It would be something...maybe I'll spend two months tracking down the allergist and demanding some blood tests to see if I'm allergic, if this cutting out gluten and corn works wonders for me.  Wouldn't that be something?  The point of all that would of course be to raise awareness, so that other people who suffer chronic, debilitating migraines hound allergists and demand blood tests to see if they have weird, hidden allergies.  But, it may all come to nothing.  For me I mean.  For Sasha, she's either allergic or has some kind of massive intolerance.  Allergist?  Dermatologist? Gastroenterologist? Proctologist? ('Cause all of this is a huge pain in the...)

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Nurse (can suck it)

Atopic Dermatitis my @$$.  The last two times my suspected corn-allergy girl ingested corn products, she got a rash.  And she's been COMPLETELY off all traces of gluten for weeks, so I know that's not it.  Stinking nurse practitioner who didn't listen to me at the allergist's office can go suck it.  She can suck it for making me crazy for the past 5 days thinking that Sasha may be allergic to the dog, our precious Indiana who is a piece of Sasha's soul.  She can suck it for making me doubt myself, for making me think for an INSTANT that maybe it was magical atopic dermatitis that strangely started going away 24 hours after I stopped feeding her wheat.  And NOW that it's been a month since I discovered her wheat allergy in the first place, and in 3 days she's finally scheduled for skin testing for everything under the sun, I'm upset that 1.) I didn't get a phone call referral to the allergist in the first place since both girls are already patients there 2.) that I didn't get to see the allergist when I got to the allergist's office and 3.) that she's going to get a bazillion scratches for dust and pollens and dogs and cats AND wheat and corn. Well, I'm the Mom, and this 'aint my first, second OR third rodeo in the medical world....maybe she WON'T be getting a bazillion scratches, because it turns out I'm in charge of my kid, not them.

Speaking of the medical world, I ditched the attack-the-migraine meds today.  Which means my head hurt, but only part of the day since it's getting better.  I hope this is an upward trend.  I've been a little stressed, can you tell?  I'm processing, preparing questions for the allergist in case the skin tests come out funny, (they're not always accurate) gearing for battle, trying to catch my Mom up on corn...although, the two instances my Mom accidentally fed Sasha corn are the reasons I'm confident that she reacts to it, so, bonus!  All the while I'm still trying to survive with a constant migraine, trying not to be an a-hole to my family and my like, one friend in town I ever used to actually hang out with.  Not gonna' lie, it's rough.  I dreamed last night I had to stab my older daughter with her Epi Pen because she got somehow got a nut.  Then during a nap I kept dreaming that dark things were creeping up to my neck.  The good news is, I'm still sleeping.  And hopefully I will avoid the extra migraine meds again tomorrow, except that I have a parent/teacher conference.  It's always something isn't it?

So, I've figured that I'm still partially in denial about my Sasha's newly discovered wheat and corn allergies, and I'm definitely still grieving.  But I'm also glad that my kitchen is a much simpler and easier place to navigate, and I'm absolutely THRILLED that nothing but nothing artificial comes within 20 feet of my house.  I am also absolutely perplexed and saddened at what America has done to its food sources, (not to mention what it can hide in its labeling!!) and I am determined to get fewer and less severe migraines.  I'm a 3d generation migraineur, but I blow the other 2 generations out of the water in every possibly way be it severity, duration, and frequency. No one knows why.  I've tried everything under the sun and nothing has helped long-term.  I hope cutting gluten and corn helps.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Manager

Today is a pain, as many days are lately. I've had my third round of Botox for migraine injections 3 days ago, which triggered a migraine. Although, who even know anymore why my head hurts these days, as Botox for me seems to take about 3 1/2 weeks to kick in anyway. I have great plans for today tho', there's a lot to do! Yesterday we went and got more oxo bins to hold all the bulk foods I've been buying, rice, different rice, buckwheat (which is NOT wheat at all) and one of the two safe cereals that my youngest daughter can actually have. Well, today I was going to plan and purchase some meal ingredients for my slow-cooker which will set us up for a few days worth of food. I was also planning on getting a recipe for some kale chips and some sweet potato chips. Instead I took more migraine meds, and am contemplating psalm 23: The lord is my shepherd, I don't lack anything. Dinner last night was scrambled eggs with spinach and cheese and onions, and pan fried potatoes with garlic and Parmesan. It was so killer good. I learn over and over that if I lay on the couch in pain instead if planning and going shopping, that we still eat, even on an extremely limited diet free from nuts, wheat, corn, nitrates, and sulfites. I still have to absolutely force myself to quit worrying, but it's absolutely worth the effort. In fact, with a 3 and 5 year old watching my every move, it's absolutely necessary. With stress only making migraines worse, it's quite medically necessary. So, come Monday I've just got to manage 3 snacks to 2 different schools, and of course getting out of bed. I've got to figure out which balance of attack-the-migraine meds will keep me supplied and going until the Botox kicks in or the diet change kicks in. (fingers crossed!)Oh, and since my youngest has heinous butt rash and I don't suspect the night time pull-up is doing her any favors either wet OR dry, the cycle of pee-pee sheets have begun. Life is a pain well worth it, like a tattoo. Not that I have one, I'm allergic to metal, nickel specifically. What the random allergies and issues you ask? Clearly, this world is not our home.

Friday, March 16, 2012

let the festivites, Begin!

we switched brands of sunbutter
we ditched the old pans
the cutting boards got cut
along with the wooden spoons, and the rolling pin
surely the sifter went
and all of the crumbs in the corners of drawers
along with drawer liners
the toaster was toast
Although, I saved the wooden salad claws,
those I will sand and refinish, for they are lovely,
and from my sister for christmas...

the mixer got the cleaning of its life
and a new friend called "bread machine"
(not that the ingredients to fill it have arrived yet)
I made play doh once, but threw it away
upon realization that the flour was processed near Nuts
(Funny, in my new zeal, to miss an old hat like that)
Gotta make safe rice flour and do it again.
I've thrown away soap, lotion, and creams
Not to mention 90% of what's in the pantry
Gotta call the company that about the tempura paint
Might have to throw it out too.
Wheat and Corn are EVERYWHERE...

Lurking in corners of drawers
in "health food", on our skin, in our hair,
brazenly on the counter and in the cupboard in bags
In the lunchmeat, the dried fruit, probably in the walls
and in our shoes
surely it's been in my dreams.
All the Moms-with-the-kids-with-food-allergy-blogs know, 
this is what we do, this is our story
And when the raze is over, we build from the ground up
A new life, a new home, a safe place to eat
Where we still make food mistakes, but hopefully,
Hopefully keep the kids alive and happy
Hopefully soon we proceed to...normalcy.
hehe...more or less. ;)