Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Good Dreams

I had the best dream today.  Crawling out of this migraine hole has caused me to reinstate nap time, so I crashed near noon thirty as per protocol.  My head had been perpetually burning for over a week, but thankfully let up today.  However, migraine hangover means I'm still fatigued, so I got a bit of an early start. I don't know how quickly my dream came, but lemme tell you about my favorite part.

I was in a house that had been recently constructed.  It was still being finished actually, but was habitable.  It had high angular ceilings, and two living areas. (Hopefully that means two bathrooms!) It actually reminded me in shape of this house right when we moved in, before my dad put the wall in that completed my old tiny bedroom, except everything was bigger.  There was limited furniture, wood floors, and nothing on the walls so the acoustics were nice and bouncy.  I sang some arpeggios and the overtones were just absolutely killer.  An old friend of mine was there and my piano was in one of the living areas, so she and I just started singing and harmonizing and giggling over ourselves.  I didn't go to college with this friend, but we started singing college choir warmups because dreams are funny like that.

The newness and beauty of the house, the friendship, and of course the music made it the best dream I've had in recent memory, and I mean in the past few years.  I mainly have nothing dreams or anxiety dreams.  It's funny that as I'm planning a totally non-routine UCSF trip during dinner and traffic[read:nightmare], ordering a portable wardrobe so the new crap roommate has a place to keep his accoutrement lest he sully the office with his daily detritus, and still managing everyone's symptoms, my brain spits out a dream that is my actual dream.

I didn't lack energy, and of course no one was out of tune.  Hehe, clearly not reality.  But I will mentally revel in it none the less.  I didn't know how badly I missed and needed happy thoughts.  God, it was awesome.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Mainly Brain Paste

I am appropriately sad.  I feel it was unnecessary to ruin the joy this countdown to retirement was supposed to bring.  I am not sad that Steven is a virtually useless douchebag, that is not wholly unexpected.  I got over that sadness long ago.  I am sad that summer sucks now, that the foreseeable future sucks.  I am sad about the impending school year and the impact this shitshow is going to have on it.

More than anything I am upset at the loss of the everydayness, the every day looking forward to not a liar coming home, to not having to be in charge of every damn little thing.  I was looking forward to sharing the load of life.  I am still grateful that things will be easier for my mom as far as food processing goes.  And the girls will...get to see their dad at least attempting to make amends for his shit life decisions.  But, if I were to hire a random stranger to come help out with the house, I'd have an interview process and hire someone who was more trustworthy than Steven, who could make better self-directed decisions.  And bonus, Steven's a shitty roommate!  When you're married at least there's tradeoff, commitment, fun.  I know it could be so much worse, at least I'm getting my money back and man labor Lord willing, but I'm also getting a shitty roommate who has to be managed, on top of sick kids, sick self, older dog, and diabetic dog.  We ABSOLUTELY would not have gotten diabetic dog if I had known what was going on.

Son of a bitch, he was supposed to be out of debt, we were actually going to be saving money, and I was hoping to be able to make it back to the physical therapist which is something that measurably helps migraines but is expensive.  And not that it really matters, but I wanted an iPad.  It will open up options for the girls' schooling and hopefully for symptom tracking and charting.  But mainly I think it will be fun and we desperately need more fun that doesn't require tons of energy.  Goddamnit.

I must breathe it all away. There is no tomorrow, no yesterday, only now.  And right now the meds are kicking in on the head that's been burning for 5 straight days.  Hallelujah.  The babies and I ran a couple of errands today, picked up meds, ran to the library.  The library is magic.  The girls have already finished some of the books we got today.  It was challenging getting there between all our symptoms, but we walked calmly over our challenges and had a nice time.  The babies and I pray together a lot, and that is magic too.  Sasha did end up puking and taking pain meds for the first time in almost a month, but those are still incredibly impressive numbers I hope we can continue to build on.  Or rather unbuild on.  Er, off.  I want her to keep feeling better and taking hardly any meds!

Speaking of magic, I've never made a serious dream boy list.  I think it is high time.
I want someone who enjoys reading scholarly journals and nerd mags, thinking critically, and is probably a math and science nerd at least in his spare time.  Naturally he will also be able to appreciate good zombie lit and sci fi movies, TV shows, etc.  He will have to have a heavy dose of silly, and also be extremely sexy (like me duh).  He doesn't have to be a musician, but it would probably be helpful.  I am much more interested in him being well read, self motivated[I cannot over emphasize this one], and painfully attractive.  He's got to have a real big give-a-shit box[I CANNOT OVER EMPHASIZE THIS ONE EITHER].  And oh my gosh, self awareness is a must.  So basically, imaginary.  Clearly my imaginary awesome dream boy will not be selfish, jealous, lazy, or an asshole.  He will obviously manage money well and wisely.

Boy, that's a fun list.  I bet I can add to it if I keep thinking.  Maybe my imaginary boyfriend can help me write the book of our allergies and migraines and general drama, it'll sell in over 50 languages, and then I can hire some real help!  But first I have to get through this wretched countdown, and live through this stupid summer and figure out how to function with a shitty new normal.  Change and let the fuck go.  Change and let the fuck go.  Change and let the fuck go.  I lack nothing.  UCSF trip number 1 in 19 days.

Monday, June 5, 2017

That Escalated Quickly

Well.  I feel like I've said this before, but it's hard to know where to start.  I've spent the weekend changing and letting go.  I really REALLY wish I could get my tattoos.  Let us not forget the other, I Lack Nothing.  So let's start with the good.

1. Sasha still feels good and hasn't had prescription pain or puke meds in almost 3 weeks or something.  That is hella rad.  [that phrase is going to age well]

2.  I haven't taken migraine meds every single day this month so that's at least a start.  I am adding naps back into my regimen and while I don't consider that good news AT ALL, it is good to have a plan to more forward with.

3.  People have been crawling out of the woodwork to support me and it is fabulous.

4.  We are still getting man labor.  Probably hopefully, I don't see why that will change.

The Bullshit.

As you may have inferred dear reader, I am single again.  Steven has a priorities problem, a lying problem, and a new and exciting gambling problem.  He is in counseling now (so he says) and is still moving here when terminal leave starts in two goddamn weeks.  He is sleeping either on the sofa or with the dog in the office because every other option costs money and he ain't got none because he has even more debt than he told me about because of course he does.  Forget paying for his baby momma's car, that is pretty low on my give-a-shit list now since I had to start paying for his debt on my credit card, as he is an emotionally fragile man-baby.  I now have to micro manage a destructive adult with the tendency to shut down.  I am most concerned about setbacks.  My plans are to get him here under my thumb, and keep him too busy working to get in trouble.  Lord knows there is plenty here to do.  I'm going to start by:

1. Unsmarting his phone so it only makes calls and sends texts.

2. Putting passwords on the computers that the kids know and he doesn't.

3.  Taking away all his cards away and giving him an allowance.

That should do until I get my savings back plus all the recent money he owes me?  I have no idea what snapped in his brain or when, but I had reservations the whole time we were back together about being married to a lesser quality person.  I just figured that no one is perfect and at least the girls would have a dad present.  Plus we have always been friends and I did appreciate his friendship.  But damn, this is of course grossly and exponentially unacceptable.

I don't guess it matters I'll be micro managing my ex who lives with me as far as it pertains to any future relationship.  I feel like that is a negative concern, it matters so little right now.  I just want the kids to feel better, and Steven to not ruin my financial future.  All right, I have a nap to take.