Wednesday, January 21, 2015

I'm down with ATP

My brain was different today.  I guess there isn't any reviewable evidence to back up that claim, but given my history, it's probably a reasonable conclusion.  My brain felt different.  No rescue meds since about 11:45 last night (second round for the day) but getting moving this morning reminded me of college.  That happens, that wasn't the different part.  The different part might be good?  Migraine does change over the course of one's   The problem is that people who have migraine with aura are 4 times more likely to have a stroke last I read.  And I'm not sure what today was.  When you're never sure if you're coming into or out of a migraine, it's hard to say if it's aura or postdrome aka "migraine hangover".  I just always feel like shit.  But this shit was different.

I told my mom it was like my brain sat in water and couldn't dry off.  I guess it's more like my brain sat in fuzzy and couldn't shake it.  I felt drugged and weird all day, even tho I hadn't taken anything besides my regular preventatives since the night before.  It reminded me of a couple of years ago when I could hardly move for half a day, my body was so exhausted.  Recalling information and details was hard, I was dropping things, blegh.  I finally started to feel less crappy toward the evening.  I'm really hoping there is no raging migraine waiting to crawl out of my brain at 3am god I HATE THOSE!!!

Today is Wednesday?  My dear neighbor passed away on Sunday, and all the neighbors have been having a hard time.  She went in her sleep but it was unexpected.  I guess sleeping has been hard for a couple of nights.  It is a comfort to be part of a neighborhood where we can mourn together.  My Dad's funeral was the first one.  How many neighborhoods weep together?  We are fortunate to go to each other's weddings, anniversaries, and funerals.  I do dream of living in a house with a more functional kitchen, maybe not right off a freeway in the backyard, but I just don't know how I'd be able to get all the neighbors to agree to move with us.  Guess I'll save that problem for another day.

I've been reading about adenosine triphosphate.   Do you have any idea how much shit nobody knows about the human body?  It's mind boggling.  Not that we don't know about ATP, but in just trying to get a basic understanding of cellular biology and neurochemistry, there's all kinds of guess-work involved.  But that makes sense.  The more I learn about allergies vs other body sciences, the more it seems like that's really in its infancy.  Of course, we know crap tons more than we did a hundred years ago. *shrugs*  So anyway, I don't know what I'm hoping to do, but in my constant quest for energy and constant struggle under migraine, I was curious if there was any connection, or what role ATP might play in migraine.  Turns out, there are a lot of big words to look up.  Good thing I look looking up big words while drooling on the couch.

Of course, I'd like to not be drooling on the couch.  I'd prefer to have appropriate amounts of ATP running around, being recycled in my cells and not being recepted improperly anywhere.  Because eff that mess.  I need this stupid brain for just a little longer.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

And everyone said

I'm fine with Emily losing wheat, so long as it's only wheat.  [read: I'm sure it's going to be more than wheat.  It's already been wheat and hummus!]  We've lost wheat before, and I've suspected for some time that it hasn't been doing Em any favors.  But when she started getting spots on her face like Sasha gets with corn, Mom finally got on board with cutting it out.  Except for that time she slipped her a piece of bread to make sure.  She's sure now.

I'm fine with Emily losing wheat because for the love of God, we now have some return to sanity in this house!  Sasha's still nutso quite often (because said mom still just HAS to keep trying foods with her too *COUGH*) but we were losing Em just due to behavior problems.  Nothing was working to control it either, not a damn thing.  Lo and behold, just like we got Sasha back after clearing her of wheat and corn when she was little, we're getting Emily back, only much more quickly.

But I don't like the fact that she's 8, and that we haven't nailed everything yet.  Hummus makes her chin itch, and she has an occasional dry spot on her chin as well.  Maybe the dry chin will clear up the longer she goes without wheat and hummus, but the whole peanut allergy vs the itchy hummus has me concerned.  [read: they are both legumes] There are so many things it could be, and as I've learned now, it's definitely not nothing.  I don't like that new food things are bothering Emily, who hasn't had a migraine in over a year, who is rocking school, who is the "easy kid" in that she's only anaphylactic to several foods, none of which are corn omg please don't ever let it be corn expletiveexpletiveexpletive!!! [read: I'm already THAT food-allergy parent at school.  They have no idea, NO idea whatsoever...]

I don't like the fact that there are new symptoms on a new kid to track when I've just had the worst round of the most frequent and severe migraines in my life,  to finish the worst financial, physical, and emotional year of my life.  Not that there isn't hope, I mean, I've gone one day this year without rescue meds so far.  And I do have a plan.  I'm taking every single goddamn supplement I've ever taken that didn't seem to work but could not possibly unwork as badly as lately.  And I've never concentrated my prayer life on emotional healing from being in a farcical, shit marriage, and then the overwhelming stress of being a debilitated single mom to two migraine/extreme food-allergy kids, so I imagine that will help.  Healing of any sort will be helpful.

There were five days in December in which I did not take rescue meds.  There has been one day this year in which I have not taken any.  I assume I'll be able to refill tomorrow, as I am all out at present.  Healing of any sort, for any one, will be helpful.  I don't feel like I know what Paul meant in Romans, that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.  But I feel like I do know what it is to actually, Actually trust God, and be thankful for the opportunity to take him at his word.  Maybe we will make it through the shitfest, scathed but unforsaken.  Amen.