2. I'm creatively bound
3. I'm not sleeping well
On the upside of all that is the fact that I'm playing more music, which a few months ago, I didn't know was even going to be possible. Of course, nothing is easy. It goes along with the constant state of rehab I'm in I suppose. It's like, instead of surfacing from a long nasty migraine and realizing the shocking mess that has accumulated, I'm surfacing musically and realizing how depressed and detached I've become about it. I've managed to worship through music because I can always worship but that's about it in over a year. I prayed recently to play more music and Jesus was like, "You want more music? You think you can handle more music? Mua-ha-ha-hah...". Music re-enters my life, and there are cobwebs in my arms, and my music-brain is sore. It's weird as hell. I can't even sit at a piano and play for fun. If you had ever told me that sitting at a piano and playing for "fun" would be a stressful experience, I would have punched you and walked away. So maybe I'm not sleeping well because I'm excited about playing music on top of the fact that time change is still kicking my butt on top of the fact that I'm surprised that getting back into music is going to be as much work as it's going to be.
4. I don't know anyone who has to eat like us
5. I dont know anyone who gets migraines like I do
6. I dread the Holidays
If I sound stressed, yeah. You know, we do have a lot of fun around here. The girls are HILARIOUS! My Mom is unstoppably quick witted, and even the dog is silly. But then, I do feel this need to keep the kids alive, which involves taking care of myself which involves trying to unravel the mystery of the migraines that won't die. Also, 9 months ago when we started discovering Sasha's wheat and corn sensitivities, I expected that we'd be further along in the making of food than we are by now, being old-pro at food allergies and all. I could cry this minute just thinking about the fact that corn permeates every gd food product in America, the government subsidizes it, Monsanto sprays pesticides on it, and Sasha reacts to it. Vitamin E is an effing corn product. Citric acid and Ascorbic acid are effing corn products. And if I had more energy, I feel like it would go along way in our particularly afflicted family. We just backed out of a road trip to see some family that we never see, because I need a nap every day to avoid more migraines than I already get, and because we'd have to feed the kids on the road for several days, and God forbid something happen to our food supply, and what the hell would we pack anyway? So, that sucked...
7. My grace is plenty for you
8. (read: Let go you idiot)
9. (...shoot...)
I keep thinking that maybe since God saw fit to throw more music into my life, he would heal me at least a little, or fix the sleep funk I'm in or something. But the answer I keep getting is that his grace is enough for me. Noted. I did have a bit of a revelation that I am holding on to an awful lot 'though. I think it was the piano that clued me in. But more than just whatever's holding me back from freely running my fingers over the keys like I used to, I feel like I have to hold on to so many other things when really, I don't. I mean, I am the human being responsible for feeding my kids, but we eat! Every single day since the great de-gluten of March and the great de-corn 2 weeks later, we have eaten! God has provided food that doesn't kill or maim either of my children, and I need to let go of this feeling that we're going to run out of safe food. While most food in America is in fact poison to one or both of my kids, there is still plenty to be had. Boom, let go. Trust, God. And that extends to getting migraines and playing music as well. There is still plenty of life and plenty of music to be had, even though I can in no ways envision it. I'm pretty sure that Jesus Creator is perfectly aware of what's going on.
I'm not sure how letting go is going to play out on a day to day basis in my life, practically speaking. I think being aware is a good place to start. I think my prayers will be different. Maybe I'll write a song about it, if I could just get my feet under me. My life is just so weird and I feel so lost sometimes. (let go you idiot?) (already forgot) Cleaning off the piano and getting it tuned is probably another good step to take. Those cobwebs are helping no one. Let go, shake it out, see the truth.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Isn't there more to life than food and more to the body than clothing?...But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own."
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