More than anything I am upset at the loss of the everydayness, the every day looking forward to not a liar coming home, to not having to be in charge of every damn little thing. I was looking forward to sharing the load of life. I am still grateful that things will be easier for my mom as far as food processing goes. And the girls will...get to see their dad at least attempting to make amends for his shit life decisions. But, if I were to hire a random stranger to come help out with the house, I'd have an interview process and hire someone who was more trustworthy than Steven, who could make better self-directed decisions. And bonus, Steven's a shitty roommate! When you're married at least there's tradeoff, commitment, fun. I know it could be so much worse, at least I'm getting my money back and man labor Lord willing, but I'm also getting a shitty roommate who has to be managed, on top of sick kids, sick self, older dog, and diabetic dog. We ABSOLUTELY would not have gotten diabetic dog if I had known what was going on.
Son of a bitch, he was supposed to be out of debt, we were actually going to be saving money, and I was hoping to be able to make it back to the physical therapist which is something that measurably helps migraines but is expensive. And not that it really matters, but I wanted an iPad. It will open up options for the girls' schooling and hopefully for symptom tracking and charting. But mainly I think it will be fun and we desperately need more fun that doesn't require tons of energy. Goddamnit.
I must breathe it all away. There is no tomorrow, no yesterday, only now. And right now the meds are kicking in on the head that's been burning for 5 straight days. Hallelujah. The babies and I ran a couple of errands today, picked up meds, ran to the library. The library is magic. The girls have already finished some of the books we got today. It was challenging getting there between all our symptoms, but we walked calmly over our challenges and had a nice time. The babies and I pray together a lot, and that is magic too. Sasha did end up puking and taking pain meds for the first time in almost a month, but those are still incredibly impressive numbers I hope we can continue to build on. Or rather unbuild on. Er, off. I want her to keep feeling better and taking hardly any meds!
Speaking of magic, I've never made a serious dream boy list. I think it is high time.
I want someone who enjoys reading scholarly journals and nerd mags, thinking critically, and is probably a math and science nerd at least in his spare time. Naturally he will also be able to appreciate good zombie lit and sci fi movies, TV shows, etc. He will have to have a heavy dose of silly, and also be extremely sexy (like me duh). He doesn't have to be a musician, but it would probably be helpful. I am much more interested in him being well read, self motivated[I cannot over emphasize this one], and painfully attractive. He's got to have a real big give-a-shit box[I CANNOT OVER EMPHASIZE THIS ONE EITHER]. And oh my gosh, self awareness is a must. So basically, imaginary. Clearly my imaginary awesome dream boy will not be selfish, jealous, lazy, or an asshole. He will obviously manage money well and wisely.
Boy, that's a fun list. I bet I can add to it if I keep thinking. Maybe my imaginary boyfriend can help me write the book of our allergies and migraines and general drama, it'll sell in over 50 languages, and then I can hire some real help! But first I have to get through this wretched countdown, and live through this stupid summer and figure out how to function with a shitty new normal. Change and let the fuck go. Change and let the fuck go. Change and let the fuck go. I lack nothing. UCSF trip number 1 in 19 days.
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