Stranger things have happened I guess. The last time I went four days in a row without rescue meds was November of last year. Today is pushing six days sans the meds, which might actually be a two year record. What feels different about this stretch is that I'm still tired. I still don't feel good, and I guess that's what gives me hope. Maybe that's what's even prolonging it. Typically I start to feel good, see the madness around me and do what I can to overcome it in any degree, and then sink again into migraine. So maybe Topamax plus Melatonin is my magic cocktail, for now anyway.
Cured I am not yet but if you can break that cycle and give the brain a chance to stop going crazy, it can only be a good thing. And I count it a victory for sure, even tho nothing's been planted in the garden and I don't feel six days worth of productive in a typical sense. Six days doesn't erase a life long battle with migraine, nor sixteen years of chronic insano migraine brain. But interestingly enough, it came just in time to deal with a few things.
One of those things is early hormone week. Like, really early hormone week. Is that a side-effect of Melatonin? I'll have to do some more research. I don't have all the things memorized on that shnazz yet. Still, I haven't run into the typical hormone migraine, and that's unheard of. Absolutely unheard of except for one other time in the past sixteen years so, bonus. Another fun thing I've been dealing with is Sasha's stomach. A week into doubling her new med, her migraine has gone mostly abdominal. Well, it starts abdominal and then moves into her head for the evening. I'm going to call it progress because at least we're messing with her. And that means Sasha and I have been trying to avoid her rescue meds all day with ice, essential oils, baths, and general distraction. That takes effort, lemme tell you. That goes on top of the constant feeding, of course.
But probably the most eye-rolling thing to deal with this week is the girls' dad's baby-momma. She got it in her head to be upset with me and I'm not really sure why. I think it has mainly to do with the fact that she is followed around by a life time of bad decisions which include the fact that my worst decision (steven) is her best one, and he still owes me money. So out of nowhere she started facebook messaging me. (: It's mostly hilarious, but also mildly distracting from my real life. I emailed her third baby daddy (steven) and asked him to take care of it, and to remind her that I've paid off his credit card twice, and put money into his bank account a few time. *huge eye roll* But who's keeping score? Not her apparently.
So I guess all told, not a bad week? I mean, yes more (forever and ever) asinine school emails about food in the class, and no, we're not all cured from migraine and yes we all still eat like the freaks we are, but it could be and has been worse. Did I forget to mention the birthday food again with the late notice change of plans? Not even worth it. I am however playing guitar this week. Always worth it.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Bitter, Angry, Exhausted
Imagine with me there's a miracle cure for migraine, but there are only 5 or 6 places in the U.S. that offer this treatment. Now imagine that one of the places is my ag town. (random, but stay with me.) Now imagine that my insurance actually approves this treatment and they want me to start Monday. Monday, like in less than a week Monday, but I can't because it takes a 5-day stint in the hospital for this treatment to work.
Clinic Lady: "You've been approved for treatment, can you start Monday?"
Me: "...Uh...wow, awesome, but I can't do this until June." *silently weeping*
CL: "Can you tell me why?"
Me: (oh my god) *deep sigh* "I'm a single mom and both my little kids have migraines and food allergies, and they're not even normal food allergies so no one wants to take care of them or can even feed them. My oldest daughter's migraines are under control with meds but my youngest daughter just went to Stanford because hers are not and we're doubling her new meds tonight and hoping nothing crazy happens and my mom who we live with is a teacher and no one gets out of school until June..." *takes breath*
CL: "Oh wow, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Ok well just let us know because approval only takes a couple of days."
Me: *blank stare*
So this "miracle cure" is a thing where they stick you in the hospital and shoot you up with stuff three times a day for 5 days, and it has a stupid high success rate for at the very least, VASTLY IMPROVING YOUR STUPID MIGRAINE LIFE. So that you don't have a migraine every damn single day. So you can be a functional human being. And what were the chances that a headache doctor would come to town? But one did, and she is literally down the street and around the corner from my effing house.
And I won't be getting treatment on Monday. And I won't be getting treatment as soon as humanly possible in June because family stuff. Good, great, amazing stuff, but oh my god, haven't I been fucking tortured long enough? I'll just be waiting, exhausted and in pain, and I'm having a bit of a hard time with that. I do not know how to have a good attitude about this.
And having that actual conversation yesterday is killing me, because it's planting season, I have dirt and seeds, and a kids who can't eat anything who could really REALLY use some variety in her diet, and not an ounce of energy to make boxes and plant anything or even fertilize or haul grey water to the fruit trees we already have.
Really? Since when was Joss Whedon put in charge of the screenplay?
Clinic Lady: "You've been approved for treatment, can you start Monday?"
Me: "...Uh...wow, awesome, but I can't do this until June." *silently weeping*
CL: "Can you tell me why?"
Me: (oh my god) *deep sigh* "I'm a single mom and both my little kids have migraines and food allergies, and they're not even normal food allergies so no one wants to take care of them or can even feed them. My oldest daughter's migraines are under control with meds but my youngest daughter just went to Stanford because hers are not and we're doubling her new meds tonight and hoping nothing crazy happens and my mom who we live with is a teacher and no one gets out of school until June..." *takes breath*
CL: "Oh wow, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Ok well just let us know because approval only takes a couple of days."
Me: *blank stare*
So this "miracle cure" is a thing where they stick you in the hospital and shoot you up with stuff three times a day for 5 days, and it has a stupid high success rate for at the very least, VASTLY IMPROVING YOUR STUPID MIGRAINE LIFE. So that you don't have a migraine every damn single day. So you can be a functional human being. And what were the chances that a headache doctor would come to town? But one did, and she is literally down the street and around the corner from my effing house.
And I won't be getting treatment on Monday. And I won't be getting treatment as soon as humanly possible in June because family stuff. Good, great, amazing stuff, but oh my god, haven't I been fucking tortured long enough? I'll just be waiting, exhausted and in pain, and I'm having a bit of a hard time with that. I do not know how to have a good attitude about this.
And having that actual conversation yesterday is killing me, because it's planting season, I have dirt and seeds, and a kids who can't eat anything who could really REALLY use some variety in her diet, and not an ounce of energy to make boxes and plant anything or even fertilize or haul grey water to the fruit trees we already have.
Really? Since when was Joss Whedon put in charge of the screenplay?
Monday, March 30, 2015
Spring Transplant
I get a brain transplant tomorrow, which is my brain's hilarious way of saying nerve-block. It's some kind of combination, residual side-effect of too much daily Topamax, plus recovery from the hellgraine when I didn't take my normal rescue med a couple of days ago. It has been difficult to distinguish between the normal transient aphasia that comes as a precursor to full blown migraine, and "Dopamax Syndrome", where you can't find the word you want or the wrong word comes out. Either way, making good words has been more difficult overall for the past few days. But on the grand upside, I haven't taken any rescue meds going on two days!
Confession: I'm a little worried about tomorrow's physical therapy followed by the nerve-block. I'm not afraid of needles, but since I'm supposed to be weaning down to a LOT LESS rescue meds, I have a lot of questions, which can really be boiled down to the main question, will I ever stop getting migraines, or even will I ever stop getting enough migraines all the time so as to enable me to function at least quasi-normally? These questions can be even further broken down.
-- Will the nerve block work?
-- If the nerve block works to stop the migraine, will they just come back worse as they always do when they seem to stop and I become temporarily functional?
-- Maybe between physical therapy AND the nerve block this time will be different. No really, this time...
-- Am I going to curse heaven and hell more than I already do for ever letting me get my hopes up?
-- At what point does traumatic stress turn into post-traumatic stress disorder, or can you just stay in traumatic stress forever and if you do will your kids still be functional humans?
Honestly, I'm afraid to even start thinking again. I have so many more questions. We don't even have Sasha's new meds to try yet, although that should happen sometime this week. (I adore our pharmacy, so much.) My main feeling is exhaustion, and my main thought is questions and trepidation. That's probably normal when great amounts of change are on the horizon. And we are beyond desperate for change. I'm so tired physically, and so tired of fielding people's questions and having to figure things out, see this is why Disney is still in business. (Rescue and magic, and of course buying out all the great franchises like Star Wars and Muppets) Don't get me wrong, I miss talking to people. I'm just tired of our life.
A brain transplant is starting to sound pretty good actually. I'm glad it's spring break, that's one less thing to deal with. (school) And next week is my mom's spring break, so if it hits the fan with all this nerve blocking and med juggling, at least I won't have truant officers at the house. I'm starting to feel a little bit like Bob in What About Bob, as I chant to myself, "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful..."
Hey, did you know that melatonin is being used as a migraine preventative? Neurologist number 4 now associated with my family is all kinds of cutting edge. I really am [cautiously]hopeful. And also taking melatonin.
Confession: I'm a little worried about tomorrow's physical therapy followed by the nerve-block. I'm not afraid of needles, but since I'm supposed to be weaning down to a LOT LESS rescue meds, I have a lot of questions, which can really be boiled down to the main question, will I ever stop getting migraines, or even will I ever stop getting enough migraines all the time so as to enable me to function at least quasi-normally? These questions can be even further broken down.
-- Will the nerve block work?
-- If the nerve block works to stop the migraine, will they just come back worse as they always do when they seem to stop and I become temporarily functional?
-- Maybe between physical therapy AND the nerve block this time will be different. No really, this time...
-- Am I going to curse heaven and hell more than I already do for ever letting me get my hopes up?
-- At what point does traumatic stress turn into post-traumatic stress disorder, or can you just stay in traumatic stress forever and if you do will your kids still be functional humans?
Honestly, I'm afraid to even start thinking again. I have so many more questions. We don't even have Sasha's new meds to try yet, although that should happen sometime this week. (I adore our pharmacy, so much.) My main feeling is exhaustion, and my main thought is questions and trepidation. That's probably normal when great amounts of change are on the horizon. And we are beyond desperate for change. I'm so tired physically, and so tired of fielding people's questions and having to figure things out, see this is why Disney is still in business. (Rescue and magic, and of course buying out all the great franchises like Star Wars and Muppets) Don't get me wrong, I miss talking to people. I'm just tired of our life.
A brain transplant is starting to sound pretty good actually. I'm glad it's spring break, that's one less thing to deal with. (school) And next week is my mom's spring break, so if it hits the fan with all this nerve blocking and med juggling, at least I won't have truant officers at the house. I'm starting to feel a little bit like Bob in What About Bob, as I chant to myself, "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful..."
Hey, did you know that melatonin is being used as a migraine preventative? Neurologist number 4 now associated with my family is all kinds of cutting edge. I really am [cautiously]hopeful. And also taking melatonin.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Just another school letter
M.________, Prinipal _________
Every year of Emily’s school life at __________, we have had nuts, peanuts and peanut butter in the classroom. The worst and scariest incident happened when the teacher who had her for two years in a row handed out bags of trail mix (80% nuts) to everyone sitting around her, and then tried to hide it from me. Emily could easily have gone to the hospital or just stopped breathing that day. Emily is contact and airborne sensitive. The more food we have in the classroom, the easier it is to forget. Unless you have an allergic child, there is no possible way for you to understand. All it takes is one parent to slip, and we have a problem. Kinder through second grade, we have had a problem every single year without fail.
At the beginning of this year, I almost cried with joy when M. _______ announced at the welcome night for parents there would be no surprise birthday food or snacks in the classroom. Imagine my confusion and fury when I come home to an email on Friday when SURPRISE BIRTHDAY FOOD had already taken place! I am still trying to process the fact that there will be snacks in the class on Monday, something I only received warning about on Thursday. That is already a short time-frame considering that Emily is my easy allergy kid, and our weekends are spent at farmers markets purchasing and processing food for her younger sister Sasha. Sasha can only eat food from specific vendors are the farmers markets that are uncontaminated with corn products. Her diet is extremely limited and her migraines are out of control at present, which is why she no longer attends kindergarten at _______.
Clearly, the no-food policy in M. _____’ classroom has changed, and I am extremely upset at having that sprung on me with absolutely no warning. I’m thinking if you’re going to lie to a population in a classroom, lie to the ones who can already go to restaurant and eat at the drop of a hat, or to the ones who take vacations ever because they have safe sources of food and water. Maybe don’t lie to the ones who have three different neurologists, who have to plan every move as if it were going overseas, even if it’s just running errands. And if there is a change in food policy, for the love of god, give me warning so that for the 4th year in a row Emily isn’t excluded every damn week. Food is already our enemy, please don’t make it the thoughtlessness of people too.
Charli
Emily's Mom
Friday, February 6, 2015
Hacktastical
My God, how you guys do it? Live and breathe and make it I mean. My bank card was recently hacked. I already got my new card, and reimbursement for half the amount I lost. I don't know why only half. I guess I could blow energy trying for the 40 bucks that I'm supposedly guaranteed, but I really need that time and energy to freeze my credit and stuff because my insurance company was also recently hacked. And what energy and time I have left needs to go to finish collecting/arranging all the papers to get back the few thousand dollars my other insurance has so far refused to reimburse me. It's just..I don't...shit like this makes me want to die.
In better news, Sasha learned how to air up a car tire, and also the rabbit poo is decomposing nicely. I'm otherwise flabbergasted. It definitely feels like I'm starting to live more lately, but with returning more to life always come an almost equal amount of...uh...life to deal with I guess. So with three months of [I can't believe I'm saying this again] literally the longest and most migraines I've ever had all together, predictably comes the worst and most difficult recovery. And all the reading suggests I should be at a rehab facility in Germany doing biofeedback for a month. *shrugs* But what can you do?
I played my violin the other day though, for about five minutes. Well, ten if you include tuning. Never would have guessed that my own kids would be impressed. It should be normal for them, they should be annoyed even! I taught violin until about a week before I gave birth to Emily. Sasha wants me to teach her. [string of VERY offensive expletives and gibberish about energy, migraines, and "the system"]
There must be a practical way to navigate the darkest valley, or rather to start seeing the light again without dropping in pain and exhaustion. Being photo sensitive due to chronic migraine makes it extra tricky, especially when you drop your shades in the toilet. No big, that's what soap is for right? Wash the toilet water off the shades, apply them to your face, and head to the market. I suppose any amount of 'fall back and re-group' still counts as fight as long as you don't leave the shades floating in the toilet. That's a big deal in a house with one bathroom.
So, now to process: food, hacked information, potentially hacked information, information between hacked entity and jacked entity, and don't get any more migraines readygo! But maybe a shower first, just in case any residual toilet water is clogging my pores.
In better news, Sasha learned how to air up a car tire, and also the rabbit poo is decomposing nicely. I'm otherwise flabbergasted. It definitely feels like I'm starting to live more lately, but with returning more to life always come an almost equal amount of...uh...life to deal with I guess. So with three months of [I can't believe I'm saying this again] literally the longest and most migraines I've ever had all together, predictably comes the worst and most difficult recovery. And all the reading suggests I should be at a rehab facility in Germany doing biofeedback for a month. *shrugs* But what can you do?
I played my violin the other day though, for about five minutes. Well, ten if you include tuning. Never would have guessed that my own kids would be impressed. It should be normal for them, they should be annoyed even! I taught violin until about a week before I gave birth to Emily. Sasha wants me to teach her. [string of VERY offensive expletives and gibberish about energy, migraines, and "the system"]
There must be a practical way to navigate the darkest valley, or rather to start seeing the light again without dropping in pain and exhaustion. Being photo sensitive due to chronic migraine makes it extra tricky, especially when you drop your shades in the toilet. No big, that's what soap is for right? Wash the toilet water off the shades, apply them to your face, and head to the market. I suppose any amount of 'fall back and re-group' still counts as fight as long as you don't leave the shades floating in the toilet. That's a big deal in a house with one bathroom.
So, now to process: food, hacked information, potentially hacked information, information between hacked entity and jacked entity, and don't get any more migraines readygo! But maybe a shower first, just in case any residual toilet water is clogging my pores.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
I'm down with ATP
My brain was different today. I guess there isn't any reviewable evidence to back up that claim, but given my history, it's probably a reasonable conclusion. My brain felt different. No rescue meds since about 11:45 last night (second round for the day) but getting moving this morning reminded me of college. That happens, that wasn't the different part. The different part might be good? Migraine does change over the course of one's life...hm. The problem is that people who have migraine with aura are 4 times more likely to have a stroke last I read. And I'm not sure what today was. When you're never sure if you're coming into or out of a migraine, it's hard to say if it's aura or postdrome aka "migraine hangover". I just always feel like shit. But this shit was different.
I told my mom it was like my brain sat in water and couldn't dry off. I guess it's more like my brain sat in fuzzy and couldn't shake it. I felt drugged and weird all day, even tho I hadn't taken anything besides my regular preventatives since the night before. It reminded me of a couple of years ago when I could hardly move for half a day, my body was so exhausted. Recalling information and details was hard, I was dropping things, blegh. I finally started to feel less crappy toward the evening. I'm really hoping there is no raging migraine waiting to crawl out of my brain at 3am god I HATE THOSE!!!
Today is Wednesday? My dear neighbor passed away on Sunday, and all the neighbors have been having a hard time. She went in her sleep but it was unexpected. I guess sleeping has been hard for a couple of nights. It is a comfort to be part of a neighborhood where we can mourn together. My Dad's funeral was the first one. How many neighborhoods weep together? We are fortunate to go to each other's weddings, anniversaries, and funerals. I do dream of living in a house with a more functional kitchen, maybe not right off a freeway in the backyard, but I just don't know how I'd be able to get all the neighbors to agree to move with us. Guess I'll save that problem for another day.
I've been reading about adenosine triphosphate. Do you have any idea how much shit nobody knows about the human body? It's mind boggling. Not that we don't know about ATP, but in just trying to get a basic understanding of cellular biology and neurochemistry, there's all kinds of guess-work involved. But that makes sense. The more I learn about allergies vs other body sciences, the more it seems like that's really in its infancy. Of course, we know crap tons more than we did a hundred years ago. *shrugs* So anyway, I don't know what I'm hoping to do, but in my constant quest for energy and constant struggle under migraine, I was curious if there was any connection, or what role ATP might play in migraine. Turns out, there are a lot of big words to look up. Good thing I look looking up big words while drooling on the couch.
Of course, I'd like to not be drooling on the couch. I'd prefer to have appropriate amounts of ATP running around, being recycled in my cells and not being recepted improperly anywhere. Because eff that mess. I need this stupid brain for just a little longer.
I told my mom it was like my brain sat in water and couldn't dry off. I guess it's more like my brain sat in fuzzy and couldn't shake it. I felt drugged and weird all day, even tho I hadn't taken anything besides my regular preventatives since the night before. It reminded me of a couple of years ago when I could hardly move for half a day, my body was so exhausted. Recalling information and details was hard, I was dropping things, blegh. I finally started to feel less crappy toward the evening. I'm really hoping there is no raging migraine waiting to crawl out of my brain at 3am god I HATE THOSE!!!
Today is Wednesday? My dear neighbor passed away on Sunday, and all the neighbors have been having a hard time. She went in her sleep but it was unexpected. I guess sleeping has been hard for a couple of nights. It is a comfort to be part of a neighborhood where we can mourn together. My Dad's funeral was the first one. How many neighborhoods weep together? We are fortunate to go to each other's weddings, anniversaries, and funerals. I do dream of living in a house with a more functional kitchen, maybe not right off a freeway in the backyard, but I just don't know how I'd be able to get all the neighbors to agree to move with us. Guess I'll save that problem for another day.
I've been reading about adenosine triphosphate. Do you have any idea how much shit nobody knows about the human body? It's mind boggling. Not that we don't know about ATP, but in just trying to get a basic understanding of cellular biology and neurochemistry, there's all kinds of guess-work involved. But that makes sense. The more I learn about allergies vs other body sciences, the more it seems like that's really in its infancy. Of course, we know crap tons more than we did a hundred years ago. *shrugs* So anyway, I don't know what I'm hoping to do, but in my constant quest for energy and constant struggle under migraine, I was curious if there was any connection, or what role ATP might play in migraine. Turns out, there are a lot of big words to look up. Good thing I look looking up big words while drooling on the couch.
Of course, I'd like to not be drooling on the couch. I'd prefer to have appropriate amounts of ATP running around, being recycled in my cells and not being recepted improperly anywhere. Because eff that mess. I need this stupid brain for just a little longer.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
And everyone said
I'm fine with Emily losing wheat, so long as it's only wheat. [read: I'm sure it's going to be more than wheat. It's already been wheat and hummus!] We've lost wheat before, and I've suspected for some time that it hasn't been doing Em any favors. But when she started getting spots on her face like Sasha gets with corn, Mom finally got on board with cutting it out. Except for that time she slipped her a piece of bread to make sure. She's sure now.
I'm fine with Emily losing wheat because for the love of God, we now have some return to sanity in this house! Sasha's still nutso quite often (because said mom still just HAS to keep trying foods with her too *COUGH*) but we were losing Em just due to behavior problems. Nothing was working to control it either, not a damn thing. Lo and behold, just like we got Sasha back after clearing her of wheat and corn when she was little, we're getting Emily back, only much more quickly.
But I don't like the fact that she's 8, and that we haven't nailed everything yet. Hummus makes her chin itch, and she has an occasional dry spot on her chin as well. Maybe the dry chin will clear up the longer she goes without wheat and hummus, but the whole peanut allergy vs the itchy hummus has me concerned. [read: they are both legumes] There are so many things it could be, and as I've learned now, it's definitely not nothing. I don't like that new food things are bothering Emily, who hasn't had a migraine in over a year, who is rocking school, who is the "easy kid" in that she's only anaphylactic to several foods, none of which are corn omg please don't ever let it be corn expletiveexpletiveexpletive!!! [read: I'm already THAT food-allergy parent at school. They have no idea, NO idea whatsoever...]
I don't like the fact that there are new symptoms on a new kid to track when I've just had the worst round of the most frequent and severe migraines in my life, to finish the worst financial, physical, and emotional year of my life. Not that there isn't hope, I mean, I've gone one day this year without rescue meds so far. And I do have a plan. I'm taking every single goddamn supplement I've ever taken that didn't seem to work but could not possibly unwork as badly as lately. And I've never concentrated my prayer life on emotional healing from being in a farcical, shit marriage, and then the overwhelming stress of being a debilitated single mom to two migraine/extreme food-allergy kids, so I imagine that will help. Healing of any sort will be helpful.
There were five days in December in which I did not take rescue meds. There has been one day this year in which I have not taken any. I assume I'll be able to refill tomorrow, as I am all out at present. Healing of any sort, for any one, will be helpful. I don't feel like I know what Paul meant in Romans, that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. But I feel like I do know what it is to actually, Actually trust God, and be thankful for the opportunity to take him at his word. Maybe we will make it through the shitfest, scathed but unforsaken. Amen.
I'm fine with Emily losing wheat because for the love of God, we now have some return to sanity in this house! Sasha's still nutso quite often (because said mom still just HAS to keep trying foods with her too *COUGH*) but we were losing Em just due to behavior problems. Nothing was working to control it either, not a damn thing. Lo and behold, just like we got Sasha back after clearing her of wheat and corn when she was little, we're getting Emily back, only much more quickly.
But I don't like the fact that she's 8, and that we haven't nailed everything yet. Hummus makes her chin itch, and she has an occasional dry spot on her chin as well. Maybe the dry chin will clear up the longer she goes without wheat and hummus, but the whole peanut allergy vs the itchy hummus has me concerned. [read: they are both legumes] There are so many things it could be, and as I've learned now, it's definitely not nothing. I don't like that new food things are bothering Emily, who hasn't had a migraine in over a year, who is rocking school, who is the "easy kid" in that she's only anaphylactic to several foods, none of which are corn omg please don't ever let it be corn expletiveexpletiveexpletive!!! [read: I'm already THAT food-allergy parent at school. They have no idea, NO idea whatsoever...]
I don't like the fact that there are new symptoms on a new kid to track when I've just had the worst round of the most frequent and severe migraines in my life, to finish the worst financial, physical, and emotional year of my life. Not that there isn't hope, I mean, I've gone one day this year without rescue meds so far. And I do have a plan. I'm taking every single goddamn supplement I've ever taken that didn't seem to work but could not possibly unwork as badly as lately. And I've never concentrated my prayer life on emotional healing from being in a farcical, shit marriage, and then the overwhelming stress of being a debilitated single mom to two migraine/extreme food-allergy kids, so I imagine that will help. Healing of any sort will be helpful.
There were five days in December in which I did not take rescue meds. There has been one day this year in which I have not taken any. I assume I'll be able to refill tomorrow, as I am all out at present. Healing of any sort, for any one, will be helpful. I don't feel like I know what Paul meant in Romans, that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. But I feel like I do know what it is to actually, Actually trust God, and be thankful for the opportunity to take him at his word. Maybe we will make it through the shitfest, scathed but unforsaken. Amen.
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