No nuts Donuts

     I'm hungry, and tired, and I've had a migraine for way too long.  8 days out of 8 and I won't even write down the phrase that just came to mind.  It's too late for me to be starting a blog post, but I'm not sure that matters much right now.  Mmmmmm, a donut matters right now.  Oh the things that come to mind.  Really, the important stuff is as follows:

-Sasha's maladies have gone from fever and chills and body aches, to croup, to a nice wet cough, to a double ear infection and plugged up hearing, to just plugged up hearing and only occasional mild ear pain.  And it only took about a month to get through all of that.  Considering that she hasn't been sick enough for meds in about a year and a half, I'd say that's not bad.  But omg...

-Emily's 5 day abdominal migraine went away finally, but not without her fighting me tooth and nail to drink less than a cup of coffee as per her neurologist's instructions.  For 4 hours solid.

-In addition to no snacks being served in Emily's class, there is now no birthday food allowed in Emily's and a few other classes at Emily's school, only non-food birthday treats.  Because she's not the only kid with allergies, hello!

     So, Huzzah, I think I really do only have one school's worth of food to worry about.  Which is awesome because I don't think I'd make it otherwise.  There is somehow a hold-up in getting a reference to a new neurologist to do botox, imagine that!  I am truly a little confused as to why Jesus hasn't healed me yet.  I figured this was my chance.  I upped all the vitamins and supplements to all the levels that work for everyone else and figured this was my chance.  But, whatevs.  What can you do but give up daily?  I used to try daily but really the key to success is accepting that you're going to fail.   You are going to fail and everyone is going to fail but somehow this world keeps spinning doesn't it?  The cupcakes don't get made and neither do the beds but somehow the Lord provides something to eat and a place to sleep.  And 'though your head may burn and maybe your hair doesn't look the way you want it to, but maybe your kids got to school enough days this week.

     I sure hope for better.  I keep hoping that some year I'll actually participate in helping at Emily's school, besides of course being that crazy food allergy mom screaming about no-nuts this and that.  (You're welcome school)  Hey, I actually sold cookies with nuts in them this year!  I'm going to pick up frozen cookie dough with nuts in it, not freak out, wrap it in garbage bags, and deliver it to my cousin!  You're welcome school!!!  But I hope someday to tread water, instead of just floating on the current.  I hope some day to dream of swimming, in an actual direction, instead of just treading water.  Although, there is a certain freedom in completely letting go, because there is no point in trying to hold on to anything, because it just gives you more migraines than you're already going to get.

     It's not as bad as it sounds.  Even with 8 days of 8 on migraine meds, I still took care of the kids, with loads of help from my Mom of course. They got to school on some of those days, wore clothes, ate food, got their meds...we may have even left the house voluntarily at some point, I don't really remember.  Oh yeah, we totally did!  We had an awesome visit with some family!  We went to the aquarium, the beach, the whole 9 yards.  See, not all bad at all.  And I'm so happy to see the kids doing better.  I just wonder how long I can let go of everything and be free before I disintegrate.  Actually, that's an illusion.  That's how I have to think of things, when really I'm wound up so tight I'm about to implode.

Why are there no Gluten, Nut, and Corn free donuts in this house right now?  That is the real question.  If only Sashily's kitchen were real.

#becauseeatingshouldntsuck  #migrainessuck #donutsaregood #sashilysnonutsdonuts

*edited for privacy OR 2nd grade round 1

I'm glad there was peanut butter in Emily's class on only the second day.  You know, let's knock this out early.  I love Emily's teacher, she was on top of it.  First a parent asked if she could bring cupcakes for her kid's birthday today.  Her teacher said No, because of the food allergy issue.  She said that the birthday mom could bring apples and carrots.  Boom!  So what did birthday mom do? Bring apples with caramel dip.  And when the caramel dip ran out, she whipped out PEANUT BUTTER?!?!!  So, Emily high tailed it and now I'm writing my first letter of the year.  Em's teacher said if stuff keeps happening like this we're going to ban food from the classroom altogether and just have a birthday crown and stickers or something.  My heart sang!!!  If you missed my jubilation a few days ago, there will be no classroom snacks this year already.  So if we can get this birthday crap nailed down, I may just have one school to freak out about instead of two.  That's only half as bad!  Ok, so here's the letter* I'm sending to school with Em tomorrow.  We'll see how atrociously it gets edited and then sent to the parents.  Or maybe, just maybe it really is a new year...

Happy Second Grade!

     I must admit, this letter never gets easier to write.  Due to Emily’s life-threatening nut allergy, I need your help to keep her safe in the classroom.  Peanuts, Tree nuts, basically every nut on the planet could very easily kill Emily if she eats it, plain and simple.  There is also a risk for severe, life-threatening reaction if nut products or particles even get on her skin or if she breathes in too many air particles contaminated with nuts.  Scary stuff.  Emily has also had reactions to Pineapple, Pomegranate, and Asparagus, but none so scary as the reactions she’s had to nuts.  And all it takes is one mistake one time for anyone with a nut allergy’s life to be over, even with all the proper medications and procedures in place.  (Google Natalie Giorgi’s tragic death at a family camp in Sacramento at the end of last month. http://www.sacbee.com/2013/07/30/5607195/years-of-caution-about-peanut.html)

To make second grade safe and awesome, I’m asking for your help in two ways:

1. When bringing food into the classroom for birthdays or other celebrations, please refrain from any Nuts or Nut products of any kind such as peanut butter, trail mix, or nutella.  In the cafeteria there is a “No Nuts” table where Emily and the other nut allergy kids can safely sit. (Last year ours was the smallest school in the district, yet had the highest concentration of nut allergy kids!)  In the classroom, it’s just too closed an environment and it’s also where the students spend all their time together.  
2. If anyone plans on bringing food into the classroom to share for any reason, please let me know via email a couple of days ahead so that I can plan something for Emily since most products from bakeries aren’t safe due to cross-contamination.  Emily has spent the last two years coming home disappointed because someone surprised the class with cupcakes or treats for a birthday that weren’t safe for her to eat, even though it was against class policy to deviate from the birthday celebration schedule, when I would have known to plan a safe snack for her.  That’s life with a nut allergy, but I could very easily just pack her a safe treat if I know ahead of time.  I’m not sure what the class policy on birthdays will be this year, but if there’s going to be food, please let me know so I can be sure to have something for Emily! (:

Thanks for your help Parents!  If you have any questions, please ask.  I may not have covered everything and I love talking about food allergies.  Emily’s younger sister has Wheat and Corn allergies, so we make and eat all kinds of weird food!

Emily’s Mom

Sashily's Kitchen

There are a lot of mile markers in life latey.  All our birthdays are happening, we've been a year and a half without wheat or corn, and we did our first nut, corn, gluten, and dairy-free camping trip. (It was our family reunion, and someone else brought nuts every, single, day.  Don't get me started.) But everything being food related, stresses me out to some degree.  Perhaps it's all exacerbated by the fact that I don't know when/if I'm getting botox again since my insurance changed carriers and I have to change neurologists, and there aren't exactly a plethora of neurologists who do botox and take my insurance.  Botox for migraine is expensive as hell. And let me tell you, hell is expensive.  Right now I'm in the jump-through-hoops-and-wait phase.  Speaking of neurology, Emily has to change neurologists too. Hers left the practice where she went, not sure why.  What's going on man?!?  Emily got a lot of migraines this summer compared to the previous 6 months.  Hopefully things settle down once school starts, and don't get worse before they get better.  Blegh.

Anyway, the beginning of school seems like the REAL New Year to me, possibly because I come from a family of teachers.  My New Year's resolution is to avoid anti-anxiety meds.  I will do this by following Grumpy Cat and Honest Toddler.  Funny thing, for my birthday I want a new pill box, one that is wooden and won't break, and is handmade in Canada.  My mom already bought me a sensible bra.  Can you say #old?!?  Well, Sasha wants a new carseat for her birthday and that's pretty sensible, and she's gonna be 5 and not 34.  Maybe we're just all kinds smart like that.  Maybe we both know that we're not going to get what we really want.  Sasha's not going to get a pet unicorn, and I'm not going to get a personal assistant/food allergy advocate.

But maybe no forgetful parent will bring nuts to class for snack this year.  And maybe no forgetful teacher will actually go so far as to hand them out if nuts actually make it in.  And since I figured out how to sorta make gluten and corn-free paint, maybe Sasha can fingerpaint in Pre-K without getting itchy from all the cornstarch.  And maybe this is the year I'll have the energy to actually make her some rice flour playdough so she can have that to play with as well.  And I can still hope beyond hope  that there won't be food activities every single week at one school or the other.  Maybe anti-anxiety meds aren't a bad idea.  Why did my massage therapist have to move away?

I heard a sermon last week on fear, not long after a bible study question asked me what I feared.  I fear earthquakes and driving a stick shift.  (-;<  But seriously, I dread persistent suffering.  Because that is pretty much my life, and it sucks.  Having no choice but to stand in the kitchen and make things out of weird specialty ingredients with recipes I have tweaked to go from simply Gluten Free to Gluten, Nut, Corn, and Dairy Free WITH a migraine, is what I not so much fear as dread.  Because it will happen, a lot. I also dread having to as politely as possible, communicate the importance of keeping Emily's classroom nut-free.  It sounds simple.  It is not.  And then there will be unforeseen food issues all year, I promise.  So I need to have a freezer and pantry stocked and ready to go and a calm cool head ready to deal.  With a migraine.  Lest Emily die in school or Sasha's hair start falling out again. Iiiiiiiiiinhaaaaaaaale.....Eeeeeeeexhaaaaaaaaale.......

Ok, on a separate but related topic, I would love another title besides [bat-crap-crazy]Food-Allergy-Mom, Musician-Has-Been.  I make kick ass, mostly organic marshmallows.  (I haven't ordered organic gelatin yet, but hopefully it works just the same.)  Now, the problem with me giving music lessons post-children or doing any serious job beside keeping my children alive, is that I barely have the energy to do that.  But in some dream of mine, I have energy to both feed my kids AND make kick ass organic marshmallows in a variety of flavors, and actually sell them to unsuspecting patrons. Then when I introduce myself to people, I wouldn't sound completely pathetic.  Instead of saying, "My ex-husband pays me to keep our children alive, and also I get heinous migraines all the effing time."  I could say, "But I also handmake allergy-friendly kick-ass organic marshmallows, some of which are dipped in fair-trade chocolate.  Here's my card."  And it would look awesome, of course.  Fun to think about at least.  Makes me want my decaf coffee coconut marshmallows. Mmmmm...

Sashily's Kitchen "because eating shouldn't suck"

#sashilyskitchen #becauseeatingshouldntsuck #screwyoufoodallergies

Dark Energy

God,
Change my attitude toward life and food, if not my circumstances.
Change my tolerance to the antics of my children, if not the amount of energy I have.
Change my lust for energy, if not our tolerance for pesticidal corn.
Change my desire to tolerate pesticidal corn.
Amen.

Definition of stupid:
Being surprised that corn makes me itch the way chocolate and wheat do.  Um, corn makes Sasha's skin come off and hair fall out.  And I am surprised WHY that I am sensitive to it?  Because I am #stupid.  Or maybe it's just hard letting go of what little remains, like chips and guac from Chipotle.  At least we can still have guac.  I am just coming to terms over and over again with the fact we have to make everything.  everything. (every. thing.)  And bless my friends who find us recipes, seriously.  But now I'm trying to juggle and shake out of the space-time continuum the energy that isn't there to make every. thing., while inside me I try to subdue the selfish beast that is tired of suffering and feeling like shit all the time.

Whoa momma, deep breaths.

Because, I know people with babies in the hospital, people with toddlers in and out of the hospital, others who sold everything and moved to an orphanage in Haiti where they see tragedies all too often, and still others who sold everything and moved to other countries to illegally spread to gospel, one of whom is currently kicked out and separated from the rest of his family.  I look to them for inspiration, because the roads they walk are not easy, to put it mildly.  And I know I can walk this sucky, sucky road.  But I need to do it differently.  I know there are ways to suck less.  But how oh how?!

We are one week into summer and we're 3 for 3 for migraines, the girls and I.  (I've actually had 2, and one was super heinous BLEGH!!!) My mom hasn't had one, but she's got a week of school left.  Em hadn't had a real migraine since December so that's not really so bad, but poor Sasha finally got her very own migraine journal app on my phone.  It's a rite of passage unfortunately in this house.  Changing routines is always hard, there's the end-of-school stress let-down, and who knows how much the girls are actually taking in the news that 1. Daddy has a girlfriend and 2. He's having a baby with her.  (Sailor *smh*)  I am worried about that kid's future since the severe and life threatening food allergies come from Daddy's side.  Lord help his baby momma...and her 2 other kids...

Contented:
feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation

So,
Food - check
Clothes - check
Shelter - check
Kids in their bedroom next to mine breathing unassisted - check
Contented - not even close

God, if you let me live another day, surely you must be willing to change me somehow.  Surely I am not destined to stay this same mom, this same musician, this same friend, this same person.  I absolutely refuse to believe that.  Amen.

Yup.  I feel better already.

How the Millenium Falcon Saved Us

Sasha hasn't tried to scratch her skin off in a while so, she was probably due.  Problem with this time is, we don't know what caused it.  She doesn't have any outdoor allergies, just food "sensitivities" (read: makes her hair fall out etc.) so when she came in from the playground with a good itchy face rash going last week, her teachers were concerned. (read: a little freaked out) They called me asking for her allergy medicine, except that she doesn't have any because all medicine has corn in it at least twice. Cue second Doctor appointment to try to solve this problem.   Cue ping-ponging between the Pharmacy and the Doctor's office and having to threaten to fire the Doctor just to get corn-free meds for Sasha.  I love our Pharmacist 'though.  It's probably helpful that our Pharmacists are our cousin's neighbors.

The phrase "just to get corn-free meds" is a little misleading.  There's no "just to get corn-free" anything in this country.  I need to learn to shake it off better, or maybe just roll with it, the fight to get corn-free anything.  At least when I marched into that Doctor's office today I had cooled off from Friday, when I had to explain our entire family history, what happens to Sasha when she gets corn, and about 6 times each that no, I don't want a liquid antihistamine or acetaminophen because it will have corn in it and no, I don't want a pill because it will have corn in it and yes, I will go online and purchase pharmaceutical equipment if I have to and measure half-capsules worth of drugs and package them myself even though I know it sounds crazy because I'm a food-allergy mom and we're all bat-crap crazy and will you just call the effing pharmacy like the Pharmacist who showed me the jars of what he's going to use asked me to ask you to do and no, I don't want to go to a different effing pharmacy, what is your problem!!!!!  And in the end, she didn't call the pharmacy, her sorry ass "prescription" didn't go through (for the second time from that office)  and I had to get notes from my cousin's neighbor (the Pharmacist) take them back to the Doctor's office, and threaten to fire her and go to a new office entirely when suddenly T-minus one hour later...I get a phone call from the Doctor saying that I finally win.  But of course she didn't use those words.  *sigh*  I may fire her anyway.

My cousins's neighbor explained that it's hard for Doctors get prescriptions right electronically when they have to think outside the box.  I believe it.  Even he had funny looks on his face when I explained what happens to Sasha when she gets corn, and how I have to call companies to ask about the sources of their ingredients, and also when I showed him the list of corn derivatives from one of the corn allergen websites.  I just wish there was a badge I could flash at stupid Doctors, a certification of some kind for "Bat Crap Crazy Food Allergy Mom: Knows Her Shit".  If it's never Not going to be a battle, I may as well have a cool badge or something, geeze.  I even impressed myself by whipping out the source of the filler my cousin's neighbor was going to use in the capsules, were we ever to get a proper prescription!

I guess it didn't feel good when the Doctor said that what I was asking sounded crazy.  It also didn't feel good when the day of the appointment, the office called and said that her primary care physician retired and insurance wouldn't cover the appointment until I called and changed her primary, information it would have been nice to have before before the DAY OF THE APPOINTMENT.  Supposedly I was successful in the following trail of phone calls it took to make that happen, I pity the fool who wants to fight me on that one.  Not 5 minutes after dealing with that mess I had to walk out of the house to Sasha's last-day-of-school festivities, nearly in tears but for the giant lego starship my Mom just bought me.

I realize I'm not a 10-year-old boy.  But I do live with my Mom, and that has to count for something.  I pay rent, and do dishes and laundry so, whatever.  Mom must've seen my countenance lift when I saw the giant box way up high, and for whatever reason decided to talk the guy in the toy store down in price and with her teacher discount, paid less than you can get that thing anywhere, promise.  Oh wait, I totally pointed it out, that's right.  Anyway, yesterday with my other single mom friend and her three boys and my two girls we had the most epic Star Wars lego day ever, complete with light saber fights.  Fake light sabers of course.  But as I can't have a chocolate croissant or any much other comfort food because I'm defective and don't really love ice cream, just thinking about putting the Millenium Falcon together really did a lot lift my spirits.  And thinking about how my mom friend and I geeked out over it while the kids were outside...oh my gosh, that was the best.  And I still have to finish putting it together!

Incidentally, I'm also playing a lot of music the next couple of weeks, singing and playing both guitar and piano, which is something I haven't done in I'm not entirely sure how long, but probably years.  It will be good to throw myself into that, as long as my body holds up.  Nerdfest, musicfest, that should help with the stresses of the ignorance of the medical world vs. Food-Allergy-Mom-Who-Can't-Have-Wheat-Or-Chocolate.  At least I can sing and put together the Millenium Falcon that my mom bought me.  My other single mom nerd friend just texted me to ask if I had worked on the ship today.  Omg, life is so good...

Fail Mix*

What like, 90% nuts?

Livid.

Can I get a witness from all the death by food-allergy moms out there?  That once you go through the range of emotions from shock and fear and disbelief,  livid is what you are left with when you find out that the teacher who's had your kid for two years in class actually handed out nuts to everyone for snack?  Never mind that there's a lot going on because it's the end of the year, or that she's a new mom.  I don't know how to stress the importance of Emily not dying in school, or even the importance of Emily not needing to be stabbed through her jeans with a giant needle and sent to the hospital.  That's unprofessional just for starters.

But seriously, what the hell?  If nothing else it helped us establish a new rule.  If Emily is ever in a classroom where nuts are handed out to everyone again, she is to run to the office without stopping and refuse to return until everyone washes their hands and the desks are wiped down.  It's not a nut free school, it's not a nut free world!  But in the cafeteria she sits at the "No Nuts" table by choice.  I wouldn't mind if she just made sure not to sit next to people eating PB&Js.  However, surrounded in the classroom, there is no escape!  At Whole Foods if we spend too much time in the bulk bin aisle her eyes start to get red and irritated, and the last time she got a gob of peanut butter on her skin she got hives all the way around it.  People die every year from nut allergies and it's usually from being careless.  It's usually completely preventable.  One of my goals in life is to make absolutely sure that we don't end up in the news as one of those.  I guess that's why some people think we're crazy, why we're labeled as "those parents": Food allergy parents, obsessive, forced into the outer rim of social eating, prone to shaking and tears when the kids react and when they have near misses and don't react because you remember all too clearly when they did.

My least favorite part of this whole situation is that some coward parent talked to the the teacher instead of me after I emailed a gentle reminder to all the parents to not send nuts or nut products to school for snack, (old class policy) and also asked for a heads up when parents send surprise birthday treats for their kids who are apparently more special than the rest of ours.  (I didn't phrase it like that of course.)  We celebrate class birthdays once a month and I always send Emily her own treats so she's not left out.  But some jerk parent always shows up on unapproved days with cupcakes processed near nuts and Emily is always left out and we deal, but it would be nice to know, you know?  This is first grade and they're 6 and it would be nice to hold on to some of the wonder of childhood.  But whatever, now the teacher is miffed because I said ANYTHING in defense of my daughter and she got talked to by some coward parent, God forbid.  It would have been fab if she had not handed out death allergens, is all I'm saying.

Ugh, breathe right?  Thank God Emily didn't have a reaction.  Thank God we have a plan for next time, and there will be a next time.  Thank God I will learn to get a tougher skin and wear my crazy-nut-allergy-parent hat, because this is the world we live in.  It's probably better than the crazy-cat-lady-house-coat anyway...

#sashilyskitchen
#crazynotnuts
#mymarshmallowskickass

*Title by my Mom

Gourmallows

So they're not completely organic.  Although you can get organic gelatin I've yet to order it, and the sprinkles aren't organic.  Haven't figured that one out yet. (haven't really thought about it)  But every thing else is: Sugar, Powdered Sugar, Maple Syrup, Chocolate, Coconut oil, and beside Gelatin the only other ingredient is Sea Salt, which is not classified as organic vs inorganic in this country.

But first things first; Since these are mostly sugar, what kind of sugar you use is of utmost importance.  Conventional white granulated sugar is pesticidal, and way processed.  Corn syrup is the same, plus it drives Sasha batty, makes her scratch her skin off and her hair fall out.  What I've been using is an organic, certified zero carbon, grown-in-America and lesser processed sugar.  I stock up when it's on sale, and you can way taste the difference.  Mmmm.  I vote you try different sugar options, and let me know how they turn out. (:

The recipe I started out with is from this website.   http://www.food.com/recipe/homemade-marshmallows-no-corn-syrup-384069   But then I had to do stuff to it.  For instance, instead of using vanilla extract which has corn in it, I use organic maple syrup which just has tree sap in it, and maybe really really boiled bug parts or something.  Ok, and when the recipe says to dust the pan with powdered sugar, first I have to make powdered sugar in my blender out of the regular organic sugar I'm using.  (because store-bought powdered sugar has, say it with me, corn in it) Then I smear organic coconut oil in the 10X10 pan I use, but as thinly as possible.  Then I put a bunch of powdered sugar in the pan, or toasted shredded coconut if I'm using that, or both.  Because otherwise the mallows have no interest in coming out of the pan once cooled.  

     These marshmallows are for the birthday celebration for all the kids who have summer birthdays in Emily's class.  Since Em can have chocolate and not everyone probably likes carob, I decided to make not everyone hate me and go ahead and dip them in chocolate, which was harder than you might think because these marshmallows are softer and melty-er than the conventional crap that comes in a bag and has corn 4 ways.  So first I stuck the cooled, extracted, chopped up, and coated with more powdered sugar marshmallows in the freezer.  Then I made a double boiler by putting a medium mixing bowl inside a pot of boiling water, maybe a little less than half full of water.  Inside this double boiler I added some organic coconut oil to organic corn-free chocolate chips.  The whole foods brand happens to be corn-free, and I read somewhere that the ratio of chips to oil should be 4 to 1.  I just eyeballed it.  (Again, you can taste the difference between organic chocolate vs inorganic.) A little stir with my trusty spatula put me in business!  The business was tricky 'though, since some of the corners did want to melt occasionally.  Some marshmallow dipping websites and images said to use a fork or toothpick for dipping, but I just used my hands, and kind of flung the excess chocolate off into the bowl quickly.  Then I had two landing pads coated with wax paper that I was rotating in and out of the freezer to keep them cool.  That worked pretty well except that it made the chocolate too firm as in, did not promote the sprinkles to stick.  However that was easily solved at the end of the whole process with a paintbrush and the leftover melted chocolate.  (If you sprinkle too soon, they just disappear into the warm chocolate.)

 The dumb part in all this is that chocolate, like wheat, makes my neck itch.  I know right?!  Stupidville.  So I won't really be enjoying these.  And caffeine triggers migraines for me so I won't be making caffeinated chocolate-dipped, coffee-flavored marshmallows either but how good does that sound?!??  Ughghgh...I guess I'm a little bit excited about the blueberry option I'm pretty sure I can pull off, or even another batch of my decaf coffee-coconut marshmallows which have been my favorite so far, or even some honey lemon now that I think about it.  I never thought I'd be making organic homemade, hand dipped marshmallows.  It's probably time to order organic gelatin, or maybe experiment with chia seeds and go straight vegan!  Funny the places life takes you.  #sashilyskitchen

Here's the Marshmallow recipe with my tweaks:

2 tablespoons gelatin (2 envelopes Knox)
8 tablespoons cold water
2 cups organic sugar
1/2 cup  water
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
2 teaspoons maple syrup
Directions:
1 Oil and Dust an 9 or 10 inch square pan with powdered sugar and/or coconut. Set aside.
2 In a small bowl, soak gelatin in 8 tbsp cold water. Set aside.
3 Combine sugar and 1/2 cup of water in a large heavy saucepan.
4 Cook and stir over medium heat until dissolved.
5 Add gelatin, maple syrup and bring to a boil.
6 Remove from heat. Pour into a large mixing bowl and let stand until partially cool.
7 Add salt
8 Beat with an electric mixer until soft and double in volume. About 10-15 minutes.
9 Pour into prepared pan
10 Let cool, good luck extracting, chop up and coat with more powdered sugar etc.