Fail Mix*

What like, 90% nuts?

Livid.

Can I get a witness from all the death by food-allergy moms out there?  That once you go through the range of emotions from shock and fear and disbelief,  livid is what you are left with when you find out that the teacher who's had your kid for two years in class actually handed out nuts to everyone for snack?  Never mind that there's a lot going on because it's the end of the year, or that she's a new mom.  I don't know how to stress the importance of Emily not dying in school, or even the importance of Emily not needing to be stabbed through her jeans with a giant needle and sent to the hospital.  That's unprofessional just for starters.

But seriously, what the hell?  If nothing else it helped us establish a new rule.  If Emily is ever in a classroom where nuts are handed out to everyone again, she is to run to the office without stopping and refuse to return until everyone washes their hands and the desks are wiped down.  It's not a nut free school, it's not a nut free world!  But in the cafeteria she sits at the "No Nuts" table by choice.  I wouldn't mind if she just made sure not to sit next to people eating PB&Js.  However, surrounded in the classroom, there is no escape!  At Whole Foods if we spend too much time in the bulk bin aisle her eyes start to get red and irritated, and the last time she got a gob of peanut butter on her skin she got hives all the way around it.  People die every year from nut allergies and it's usually from being careless.  It's usually completely preventable.  One of my goals in life is to make absolutely sure that we don't end up in the news as one of those.  I guess that's why some people think we're crazy, why we're labeled as "those parents": Food allergy parents, obsessive, forced into the outer rim of social eating, prone to shaking and tears when the kids react and when they have near misses and don't react because you remember all too clearly when they did.

My least favorite part of this whole situation is that some coward parent talked to the the teacher instead of me after I emailed a gentle reminder to all the parents to not send nuts or nut products to school for snack, (old class policy) and also asked for a heads up when parents send surprise birthday treats for their kids who are apparently more special than the rest of ours.  (I didn't phrase it like that of course.)  We celebrate class birthdays once a month and I always send Emily her own treats so she's not left out.  But some jerk parent always shows up on unapproved days with cupcakes processed near nuts and Emily is always left out and we deal, but it would be nice to know, you know?  This is first grade and they're 6 and it would be nice to hold on to some of the wonder of childhood.  But whatever, now the teacher is miffed because I said ANYTHING in defense of my daughter and she got talked to by some coward parent, God forbid.  It would have been fab if she had not handed out death allergens, is all I'm saying.

Ugh, breathe right?  Thank God Emily didn't have a reaction.  Thank God we have a plan for next time, and there will be a next time.  Thank God I will learn to get a tougher skin and wear my crazy-nut-allergy-parent hat, because this is the world we live in.  It's probably better than the crazy-cat-lady-house-coat anyway...

#sashilyskitchen
#crazynotnuts
#mymarshmallowskickass

*Title by my Mom

Gourmallows

So they're not completely organic.  Although you can get organic gelatin I've yet to order it, and the sprinkles aren't organic.  Haven't figured that one out yet. (haven't really thought about it)  But every thing else is: Sugar, Powdered Sugar, Maple Syrup, Chocolate, Coconut oil, and beside Gelatin the only other ingredient is Sea Salt, which is not classified as organic vs inorganic in this country.

But first things first; Since these are mostly sugar, what kind of sugar you use is of utmost importance.  Conventional white granulated sugar is pesticidal, and way processed.  Corn syrup is the same, plus it drives Sasha batty, makes her scratch her skin off and her hair fall out.  What I've been using is an organic, certified zero carbon, grown-in-America and lesser processed sugar.  I stock up when it's on sale, and you can way taste the difference.  Mmmm.  I vote you try different sugar options, and let me know how they turn out. (:

The recipe I started out with is from this website.   http://www.food.com/recipe/homemade-marshmallows-no-corn-syrup-384069   But then I had to do stuff to it.  For instance, instead of using vanilla extract which has corn in it, I use organic maple syrup which just has tree sap in it, and maybe really really boiled bug parts or something.  Ok, and when the recipe says to dust the pan with powdered sugar, first I have to make powdered sugar in my blender out of the regular organic sugar I'm using.  (because store-bought powdered sugar has, say it with me, corn in it) Then I smear organic coconut oil in the 10X10 pan I use, but as thinly as possible.  Then I put a bunch of powdered sugar in the pan, or toasted shredded coconut if I'm using that, or both.  Because otherwise the mallows have no interest in coming out of the pan once cooled.  

     These marshmallows are for the birthday celebration for all the kids who have summer birthdays in Emily's class.  Since Em can have chocolate and not everyone probably likes carob, I decided to make not everyone hate me and go ahead and dip them in chocolate, which was harder than you might think because these marshmallows are softer and melty-er than the conventional crap that comes in a bag and has corn 4 ways.  So first I stuck the cooled, extracted, chopped up, and coated with more powdered sugar marshmallows in the freezer.  Then I made a double boiler by putting a medium mixing bowl inside a pot of boiling water, maybe a little less than half full of water.  Inside this double boiler I added some organic coconut oil to organic corn-free chocolate chips.  The whole foods brand happens to be corn-free, and I read somewhere that the ratio of chips to oil should be 4 to 1.  I just eyeballed it.  (Again, you can taste the difference between organic chocolate vs inorganic.) A little stir with my trusty spatula put me in business!  The business was tricky 'though, since some of the corners did want to melt occasionally.  Some marshmallow dipping websites and images said to use a fork or toothpick for dipping, but I just used my hands, and kind of flung the excess chocolate off into the bowl quickly.  Then I had two landing pads coated with wax paper that I was rotating in and out of the freezer to keep them cool.  That worked pretty well except that it made the chocolate too firm as in, did not promote the sprinkles to stick.  However that was easily solved at the end of the whole process with a paintbrush and the leftover melted chocolate.  (If you sprinkle too soon, they just disappear into the warm chocolate.)

 The dumb part in all this is that chocolate, like wheat, makes my neck itch.  I know right?!  Stupidville.  So I won't really be enjoying these.  And caffeine triggers migraines for me so I won't be making caffeinated chocolate-dipped, coffee-flavored marshmallows either but how good does that sound?!??  Ughghgh...I guess I'm a little bit excited about the blueberry option I'm pretty sure I can pull off, or even another batch of my decaf coffee-coconut marshmallows which have been my favorite so far, or even some honey lemon now that I think about it.  I never thought I'd be making organic homemade, hand dipped marshmallows.  It's probably time to order organic gelatin, or maybe experiment with chia seeds and go straight vegan!  Funny the places life takes you.  #sashilyskitchen

Here's the Marshmallow recipe with my tweaks:

2 tablespoons gelatin (2 envelopes Knox)
8 tablespoons cold water
2 cups organic sugar
1/2 cup  water
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
2 teaspoons maple syrup
Directions:
1 Oil and Dust an 9 or 10 inch square pan with powdered sugar and/or coconut. Set aside.
2 In a small bowl, soak gelatin in 8 tbsp cold water. Set aside.
3 Combine sugar and 1/2 cup of water in a large heavy saucepan.
4 Cook and stir over medium heat until dissolved.
5 Add gelatin, maple syrup and bring to a boil.
6 Remove from heat. Pour into a large mixing bowl and let stand until partially cool.
7 Add salt
8 Beat with an electric mixer until soft and double in volume. About 10-15 minutes.
9 Pour into prepared pan
10 Let cool, good luck extracting, chop up and coat with more powdered sugar etc.

Hair and Marmite

Her hair is thinning again, and we couldn't figure out why.  No new foods, toothpastes, skincare, etc.   It took a pair of outside eyes to figure it out, which is why, my friends, it's important to have outside eyes inside your life, painful and embarrassing 'though it may sometimes be.

Outside Eyes: "Isn't there corn in those vitamins?"
Me: "No, those are safe. I've read them."
Outside Eyes: "Are you sure?  There's no way those don't have corn in them."
Me: (suddenly terrified) "I'm sure I read them..."(reading them again)...(quietly whispering expletives)..."Mom, these have corn 4 different ways in them..."(can't look Outside Eyes IN the eyes)

It was an effing B2 vitamin that Emily takes to prevent migraines that has thankfully been working really well.  So when Sasha began been having unexplained stomach aches, I started giving them to her after a thorough checkup and a nod from her doctor.  I thought I read them, I read everything else I give her about 17 times and then twice more for good measure here and there.  But no one's perfect, especially when you get debilitating migraines I guess.  Damn.  Fail, bigtime.  And the shitty part is that they had been working, no more stomach aches, at all.  That is, until she was off them for a few days.  Then she had her first ready-to-puke migraine.  #omg  And of course we have to cut her hair all short and cute again because she's on the verge of another bald spot and has been acting unreasonably beside.  Throwing minor "corn fits" as we call them.

*twitch* Mainly I'm glad that Outside Eyes pointed out that I was slowly poisoning my daughter.  Of course, pick your poison: Have hair, or have abdominal migraines at 4 1/2?  Ugh, not gonna fly.  So I started researching comparable amounts of B2 in foods.  The best source of B2 in food is yeast extract, Marmite, what brits like to spread on toast.  Thankfully I can get it in town and Sasha likes it, although it still isn't the amount of B2 she would get in a vitamin pill.  Outside Eyes stepped in again and just found some straight B2 powder with no additives whatsoever, online for me to order.  It will be here tomorrow.  Hallelujah and shudder.

While I feel like an idiot, I feel like a rescued idiot.  It feels like we came perilously close to disaster, like we live on the edge of a blade.  But really all of life seems perilous or at the very least mind-blowing and amazing.  I am dumbstruck by the mechanisms that keep us alive in our bodies and in the molten center of the earth and in the atmosphere and in the spinning universe.  Who knows how long we'd have gone without noticing the corn in the vitamins, since I was so stuck in my belief that they were safe, and since they were in fact helping Sasha's tummy?  The universe spins tied securely together by gravity and dark energy, and we walk a blade tied securely by love and more love and thankfully sometimes that means other people pointing out my deficiencies and then filling them in.  I hope you have people like that.  I hope you let outside eyes inside your life.  I hope you speak to people like that, painful and embarrassing 'though it may be.  You could save a lot of stuff.  You could keep people from falling, and it's Divine, like the earth spinning.

Reese's Percocet

I don't know what happened.  We fiddled with meds, that didn't work, we quit fiddling with meds, I went two glorious weeks taking no pain meds at all, and then I got a sinus infection from satan himself.  Now anything from satan himself has to go through God as Job pointed out, but whatever.  12 days and counting of migraine pain later and all I'm wondering is when is my period going to start and I get another migraine or 3?  I mean, I had to refill medication I haven't had to refill since 2011.  I killed off the last of my C-section Percocet.  Jesus on my behalf even spoke to a friend of mine two states away to pray for the complete healing of me and my daughters.  THAT'S HARD CORE!!!

For certain, at least it was over the girls' spring break, and then my Mom's spring break the following week.  And at least the Giants started playing ball again.  All has not been lost.  I'm just upset because I hardly ever get sick and I've never had a sinus infection in my life and by all accounts this was not a bad one.  It was just accompanied by the worst and longest pressure migraine I've ever had.  In my entire life.  I missed so much life in those days and will miss so much more trying to play "catch up", if I even get to catch up before the next one catches me.  That's why I need the complete healing that my friend and I and many others are praying for.

Ugh, to be free.  It hurts to think about.  It's impossible to even dream about.  Right now it's just words I can say when I need it thick like a pole I can grab onto, like a beam I can hang my hammock on.  I need belief and dream and hope in me like a hammer, nails, and 2x4s you can build a house out of.  And we'll sit inside at the kitchen table and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on wheat bread, on THIS earth, in THIS life time.  And after a few times I won't even cry about it because it will be normal.

Psalm 27:13-14 "Where would I be if I did not believe I would experience the Lord's favor in the land of the living? Wait on the Lord! Be strong and let your heart be confident. Rely on the Lord!"
#wellokthen

1 year of wingin it

In some ways it seems like it's been more than a year since...since...since we went down the rabbit hole and everything got all flippy; Since I mourned the loss of wheat and was too numb to mourn the loss of corn two weeks later.  I still go through the cycles of greif sometimes, mostly hitting anger over our nation's "food" supply and what we've done to it, especially on days like last Wednesday when Sasha had a headache and an earache and every single medication has corn in it.  But since we started reclaiming Sasha a year ago, I have hardly had occasion to even want to give her medication.  I on the other hand just saw my neuro and thankfully re-maxed-out on my preventative migraine med so that the next three months won't be a box of torture like the last three months.  You win some, you lose some.  But in this year crammed full of research and migraines and endless making of food and describing of symptoms, we have come a looooooooong long way.

Last year

For example, FINALLY we can make good bread!  It only took until two weeks ago.  (-: We can also make marshmallows in various flavors and colors.  I whip up guac pretty fast, and slowly but surely our safe food options are expanding.  There are even lots of cookie recipe options which is nice, and since the great wheat revelation came smack dab ON my Mom's birthday, it occurs to me I better get my amazing cake on. Gosh, I was feeding the girls sandwiches on organic wheat bread from Costco in the car on the way to my Mom's work on her birthday just last year; We were bringing her flowers and balloons.  When we got home the rash on Sasha's face flared up when I had my "Aha!" moment, and life hasn't at ALL been the same since.  Our kitchen is simpler, we have less food over all but we eat all of it.  There are even two places we can eat out, Chipotle and In-N-Out so long as we order carefully!

Although, I'm still stressed out about food daily it seems.  The price of an organic 3-pack of sunbutter went up from about 17 dollars to about 30 dollars overnight, no joke.  The inorganic kinds all have additives, one of which might be a corn product, I have to contact the company and find out the source of their Vitamin E. *sigh*  Sasha's reacted to Vitamin E before.  Sometimes it's derived from corn. Why?!! *shaking fist*  And of course we have to do sunbutter bc peanutbutter kills emily, and it has to be the gluten-free kind.  Plus who wants added sugar and crappy salt and pesticides anyfreakingway!!!!!  UGH!  Then on the way to school today, I had to hold my heart together while driving as Sasha said, "I can't wait to get to Heaven, so I can have a cheese tortilla!" After coming home and doing an hour of research to determine that I can't source the Teff flour for most GF tortilla recipes that is not processed near wheat, corn, nuts, or all three, I found a tortilla recipe that calls for chickpea flour, which I can make.  And everything else forbidden in the recipe I can substitute.  Hopefully.  I'm also willing to give raw, grass-fed cow-milk cheese a try and see how she does with it, since cutting out dairy has been no light-switch-cure-all anyway.  So we just might be in business.  Or we might fail.  But we're gonna try...

Me: "Look at me with your eyes!"

Sasha: "Like this?"

I need a drink.  I need to pray and meditate.  I need to do some yoga and take a shower.  Thank Jesus that I have friends and family who love the snot out of me.  This is our life, one year later.  So much love, so much rescue, so much heartache and hassle.  The phrase, "When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." does not apply to us.  They are using tempura paint with corn starch in it on the kids today at Sasha's school for facepainting.  I had to send her with some of mine and my mom's makeup.  I went and bought a set of blue and sparkly eye shadows yesterday so she would have a blue palette to work with, since that probably just has less corn in it, and hopefully won't make her itch like we know the tempura paint does.  Later today I'll be making green food coloring out of safe green sugar crystals and water, since regular food coloring isn't safe.  When you hear hoofbeats, think flying orange zebra unicorns.  And in one more year, maybe we'll steer by our 7th dorsal wings over to some cheese tortillas for dinner...

P.S. Mom's Maple Carob birthday cake was off the HOOK!
#screwyoufoodallergies

Love and Darkness

"In case you've forgotten on this Valentine's Day, love is not about candy, cards, flowers, jewelry, sex, or feeling happy. Love is hard. Love doesn't happen without work, choice, and huge portions of forgiveness. Happy Valentine's Day...go LOVE your spouse, family, friend, co-worker. I LOVE you. 
'Love is patient, it is kind, it is not jealous,does not brag, and is not arrogant. It is not rude,it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.' 1Corinthians 13:4-7"

My wise friend Julie posted that yesterday.  And oh my god, what a whammy.  I'm running out of attack-the-migraine meds, I've got a week and a half to go before I hit the neurologist again for more Botox, and probably at least 3 weeks after that before said botox kicks in.  And the unknown here is what we're going to do about the #epicfail of trying to reduce my every day migraine preventative meds.  I do not love my life.  I have recently laid in bed, writhing in pain, imagining different ways that I could die, or even my family and I could die together so that no one would have to take care of the girls with their heinous food allergies.  There, I said it.  Chronic illness is a total bitch man.  But let me tell you about life, love, and Valentine's Day.

When I get to the bottom and start imagining ways to die, I usually start telling God that something's gotta change and either he's going to save me or I'm going to end up addicted to drugs just for starters.  Luckily I've got some great friends and family, so when Valentine's Day was approaching and I got roped into providing two types of cookies for a certain preschool class, plus bread, juice, jam, and frosting just for Sasha, I was able to call for backup.  And 'though I did pay a friend of mine for a couple of days of baking, that money probably did not cover the 7AM freak-out-wake-up call he got on Valentine's day because I had a huge migraine and was on the don't-drive-while-on-these-meds, still needing help assembling everything.  We miraculously managed to get both girls to school on-friggin'-time, complete with cards and baked goods!  I don't know how to love this life, but sometimes it still loves on me.  

I don't have answers for all the ugly days I spend under a blanket in a dark room, where the meds don't touch the pain and nausea of a migraine.  But the girls and I haven't yet lacked for a blanket or a room.  When I'm too tired and sick to eat, food is still an option.  Knowing that doesn't always make it better, but if love is a choice, and if love is hard, and requires forgiveness, and hopes all things and endures all things, then maybe I can get my ass out of bed one more time.  I cannot forget that people love me, since that fact is made clear to me daily.  I can forgive myself for forgetting and try again to live, and possibly try to love life again.  I may even be able to forgive the people who expect me to be "normal" and do normal people things like go on playdates, have a "normal" job, take happy pictures etc.  My life is a disaster, I'm definitely single,  and that may have been the best Valentine's Day ever.

The Millenium Keyfalcon

I have 12 new pairs of socks that I'm never going to lose, and they all fit crappy.  Where do you buy socks that don't suck, where the elastic at the top isn't too squeezy?  Not at Target, that's for sure.  I bought 2 perfectly preferable pairs at Gap once, and I have a pair and half left, worn thin and ready to burst.  I even bought some different kinds at Target thinking surely they couldn't all be bad.  I'll be sending the 6-pack of squeezy athletic-y ones to my sister who has smaller feet than me, and is athletic-y. The longer ones that are just squeezy at the top (and are the exact same sock size as the other kind) I don't know what to do with.  What I do know is that I am back to square two, for at least I have a damn mesh bag to safely stow whatever future footwear I may manage to procure.  Ooooh, by the time I get this all figured out, Winter will be over, and socks will be on sale?  But Lord help me, I even bought a bunch of sock in China once, IN CHINA and they fit better than these!  AND I STILL HAVE A PAIR OF THOSE!!!

Needless to say, I may need to revisit this blog title.  This whole stupid sock thing is completely representative of my life, specifically of me trying to manage...everything really.  I keep trying to make things as normal and easy as possible, and it's just not possible.  Life is an atrocious hassle, I still hunt for any socks at all, and for food that doesn't hurt the kids, and for balance between migraine meds, and for energy to raise the kids well...But there are still socks on my feet, be they old, mismatched (or was it matched?), borrowed, or all three.  I definitely feel crazy, and as it turns out, nut particulate still occasionally makes it into my house.

There are times I regret claiming the free piano off the curb in front of a neighbor's house.  The jury's still out on whether it will ever stay in tune, it takes up a lot of space we don't really have, and I found a peanut shell in it the other day.  And if I didn't have it, I wonder if I would have invested in a keyboard, something with a volume switch, a headphone jack, and not prone to hiding death allergens. If the piano stays in tune it will earn its keep, for on the nights I crave wheat and chocolate (ie: all of them) I need only a handful of carob chips and the smell of a freshly tuned scale to help drag me out of the trenches.  11 months into a wheat and corn free life I still haven't figured out food, Sasha's stomach has started getting upset again even sans dairy, my socks STILL mock me, and it sure seems like life only gets harder every year.  But let them mock me who may, while I play the piano for a day, a week, a couple of months before it slips out of tune again.  I'll have a migraine by then anyway.

Then it will make one hell of a gorgeous bookcase.  And through a migraine daze I will stare at my pretty converted piano/bookcase in my old, borrowed, mismatched socks.  But today I played a tuned piano.  And it was awesome.