Frankencupcakery

The starting point for this Franken-ed recipe is one that my friggin' wonderful friend Elisabeth made me aware of, from elanaspantry.com for chocolate cupcakes, using coconut flour.  (which are great btw) Coconut flour is pretty much where the similarities end.  I have Frankened the crap out of it for various and sundry reasons, and I was pleasantly surprised by the awesomeness of it! But be ye warned of two things:
1. These look like chocolate.  They are not chocolate. Chocolate and cheap wheat tastes like America.  Banana and carob tastes like elsewhere.  Carob tastes more...exotic, and dusty.
2.  I eat weird food all day every day, so I think these are super amazingly great.  However, my friends who eat normal food just tried these and also approve them except for one little kid who doesn't like bananas.  If you don't like or are allergic to bananas, don't make these, or use something else beside banana.

I am excited, for they are:
Gluten Free
Egg Free
Corn Free
Nut Free
FrankenCupcakes!

For Banana Carob (Franken)Cupcakes
Makes 9 (I know, weird) and they fall in the middle after baking. Don't worry, fill it with icing. Mm.
Preheat oven to 375.
Line your muffin tin with stuff.  I just figured out how to make my own! (Because I was out, but ready to bake.  Whoops. I used parchment paper cut into circles, folded like fans, and then smashed into the tins.  Anyway...)

1/4 Cup Coconut Flour
1/4 Cup Carob Power
1/4 Teaspoon Sea Salt
1/2 Teaspoon Baking Soda
3/4 Cup Mashed Banana (which is more than one but less than two bananas. sorry.)
3 Teaspoons Ground Flaxmeal
1/4 Cup Oil (or Butter)
3 oz Honey (or 1/2 Cup if you prefer more sweet, I don't, so I use less.)

Mix the dry stuff together.  Mix the wet stuff together. Flaxmeal here is a wet stuff.  Mix the dry stuff thoroughly with the wet stuff.  It looks kind of like brownie batter at this point.  Scoop it into the muffin tins, you know the drill.  You'll probably have to get a spatula and really scrape the bowl clean to get the cups 2/3 full each.  My oven tends to bake quickly, so it only takes about 15 minutes, and I flip the pan around once in the middle so it bakes evenly.  If your oven doesn't suck, you may be able to skip the drama.  They're done when they smell good and a toothpick inserted comes out clean!

For Carob Buttercream Icing

1/2 Cup Butter (that's a stick of butter)
1/4 Cup Carob Powder
1/2 Cup Powdered Sugar (or to taste. I prefer less sweetness so, ya know...)
1 Tablespoon Milk (or Cream, as implied by ButterCREAM. I had Milk and it worked.)
Little Splash of Vanilla to taste (sorry, I didn't measure)

I put the butter straight from my fridge into my mixer and let her rip for a while, so softening the butter wasn't an issue.  If you don't have a mixer of some sort, definitely let the butter get soft first!  Then mix the crap out of everything.  After I made this and iced the cupcakes, I put the leftovers in the fridge because I knew I was going to have to make a second round of cupcakes because they were so good as to qualify as a new food group, and I thought there would be enough icing to go around since I ice kind of sparingly.  Well, after sitting in the fridge and getting re-mushed around, the icing kind of separated a little.  It still tasted amazing, it just looked a little less smooth.  Oh my gosh, writing about this is making me wish I had more right now but it's all gone...sad...

But there you have it!  A whole new food group.  (; And, it's easily made diary free if you just be sure to use oil instead of butter for the cupcakes, and omit the icing.  They're plenty good without the icing, so long as you like Banana.  And if you're allergic to banana, I dare you to try another fruit!  (Like apple, and then tell me how it worked!) The banana and flax act as an egg substitue, but I understand that other pureed fruits can work as well.  I used banana in combination with the flax since I was using coconut flour which has Absolutely no binding properties whatsoever.  So here's to successful Frankecupcaking!

Drinks by Tuesday

I went 19 days!  I've done that before, 19 days and no migraine.  But these 19 were different; productive, musical. [read:AWESOME] And this migraine is just an aspirin migraine so far.  Hehehe, ask me tomorrow after early rehearsal and two sets of worship music.  As for triggers, it could be the schedule change, the huge week we just had, the mass amounts of awesome, or the organic coconut flour carrot cake I baked today.  Of course, my money's on the fact that we're changing meds again, Plus the aforementioned.  We're fiddling with meds because I've been doing so well!  But oh, change...well, change means one less preventative med.  [less meds=good] Specifically the one that keeps me from alcohol (and grapefruit?) which means assuming I survive the weekend and the beginning of the school week, and I feel up to it, I could be having drinks by Tuesday!  I could have a grapefruit drink in like, 3 more days!! That doesn't sound good at all, but it's the principle of the matter.

So, Em's Neurologist is Jamaican, and pretty cool.  He took time to listen, learned Sasha's name and shook all of our hands upon entry and exit.  Since Em had fewer migraines in July and none so far in August, we're kind of in a wait and see phase.  Now that I keep a tighter reign on all our schedules, that seems to have done the trick.  It's funny, every doctor, and I know it's their job, brings up food.  So I tell them about what we eat.  And then I have to tell them over and over because no one believes what I tell them.  Don't they read about cults?!?  It's just like that, only for medical reasons!!!  We have the bracelets to prove it!  Only, a lot of people who have the medical reasons still don't take care of themselves obsessively like they should, and I've seen firsthand the consequences.  Also, people in actual cults are often secluded, because it's a hell of a lot easier than trying to function in the general public.  I guess I just explained to myself every doctor's disbelief.  *sigh* If everyone would just obsessively eat properly, it would make my life sooooo much easier...

My Neurologist believes me when I tell her about our food habits.  She's threatening to send her kids to my house to eat!  But we're only ahead of the game because my kids have had such bad reactions to food.  It's definitely a trade off.  Heck, if nitrates didn't make me feel like crap, we'd probably eat cheap bacon!  It's one of those ahead-of-the-game-at-a-terrible-price deals.  I gotta be honest 'though, halfway through making the cake today, I realized that it was organic and it was very cool.  I made an organic cake from scratch today, or as my grandmother would have said, "I made a cake today." :-/  Eggs, milk, coconut flour, spices, sugar, butter, carrots, all organic because that's what I have in my house!  And maybe that has anything to do with the reduction in (disappearance of?)Emily's migraines and me feeling better?  I read about a lady who cured her migraines by going completely organic, and I have nothing to lose but food that's been genetically modified to tolerate chemicals designed to kill living things that need water and oxygen to survive.  And cash.  But we don't eat out or go anywhere or do anything, so there you go.  And I think any adjustment we have to make financially to eliminate dangerous chemicals from our food and skin products, is worth it.  Did you all catch the fact that Johnson and Johnson is going to pull a whole list of "chemicals of concern" like Formaldehyde, from their products by 2015.  By 2015!!! It took Sasha's hair falling out for me to start making our own shampoo, and I'm pretty sure it was the gluten that did it but still.  Wake up call!

This is not the life I had planned 10 years ago, a day after turning 23.  But this is the world we've been given, the times we live in, the body in which my soul is housed.  I didn't even love the cake, truth be told.  But it's safe for my family, and they all loved it.  So I'm pretty sure I'll be making it again.  The frosting was pretty rad.  Maybe it'll go down easier with some coconut rum, on Tuesday...

Survival of the Persistent

Em survived the first day of school!  And I mean that literally.  More like, Em survived her first day in the cafeteria surrounded by kids eating PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES!!!  Actually, she sat at the end of the table next to a ham and cheese sandwich.  I mean next to a kid who was eating a ham and cheese sandwich.  Obsess much?  Geeze, days like today, I really envy the Moms who just get to bring their brand new first graders to school, take pictures, talk to the other parents, and then just go on their merry way.  I had to battle the doctor's office for the epi-pen release form.  Twice.  Twice because there was apparently a space-time vortex between the fax machine at the doctor's office and the  one at the school office, and just as well since on my third (THIRD) trip to the dr. office today to deal with them I discovered that the epi-pen release form was only halfway filled out.  Am I seriously the only patient of theirs who has a kid in school with food allergies?  This from the same doctor who forgot to refill Em's prescription for epi-pens, even 'though he said he would after I reminded him at our last appointment.  Twice.  TWICE!!!  UUGGHH!!!!!  And also a huge blue truck wanted my lane this morning on the way to school.  I had to swerve so he wouldn't hit us.  With my babies in the car.  And then the rat bastard honked at me.  I swear, some days are just like that.  But like I said, Em survived the first day of school, complete with road hazard and cafeteria experience.

I am selling cookie dough and magazines if anyone's interested.  None of that cookie dough is coming anywhere near my house, but you can buy it if you want.  It will probably kill you in the long run, I'm sure it all has wheat, corn AND nuts in it, and tastes amazing.  I can vouch for at least one of the magazines 'though, it's a science magazine that I get.  Ah, school.  Forget school, enough school, let's talk music!

I've been feeling really good lately!  Well, really good for me.  For instance, crazy morning run-around (school, dr. office, school, dr. office, pharmacy, dr. office, store, etc..) and after nap time I still managed to cook dinner which involved bacon.  Now, all this awesome is compounded by the fact that I have recently changed nap time to coincide with a new school schedule, as well as the fact that I got up early yesterday and led two services of worship music!  Oddly or perhaps not, it's been since I bought my very first guitar, the only guitar not given to me or that I've not inherited but that I've actually purchased.  My dream baby, my Lowden, aka Heath Rogers.  And I've not just been playing the Lowden, I've been paying attention to some of the other guitars in the house, and have actually been playing them (or having my friends who can Actually play, play them) outside the house! It's been wild, and hopefully just the beginning.  And just today, Emily switched quickly between 2 chords on the ukulele.  She was pleasantly surprised.  I was like, "See, practice DOES work!"  Oh, to see the little neurons firing and connecting...

So, be it Botox, diet, or Lowden, I'll take it.  However, my fingers are KILLING me like I don't ever remember them killing me before, not even when I first started learning to play the guitar.  #outofpractice #needloweraction #comicaltowatch

But seriously, it's freaky to go two weeks feeling worse than you have in months, and then to go the next two weeks feeling better than you have in months before that.  I don't know what that means.  I do know that I'm having a good stretch, and that has been a rare thing.  And now I have my dream guitar, which has somehow inspired me to do things I've never done with some of my existing instruments.  Crazy? Maybe, but not nuts.

Cake and WTF

Our first Nut, Corn, and Gluten free cake was killer good!  And I don't mean just passable, I mean the honest people in my life were universally pleased, and I actually craved it when all was said and done! Now granted, I haven't had cake in several months, so that may have had something to do with it...and it had a little bit of weird texture to it because of some of the home made flours in it, but I would proudly serve that cake again!  Plus it was decorated like Captain America's shield.  Hello.  One confection down, August and September to go...

So much for summer. Well, actually Mom and I have been making food.  We've made some good soups, Mom made cherry popovers and blueberry coconut flour muffins speaking of confections, and we have been doing an impressive amount of weeding through stuff on the inside of this house.  But ever hampered by migraines, it just feels I've accomplished virtually nothing.  I mean, I have done some laundry, but we've not made it to the beach even once, although my Mom Has made bread sans machine.  That woman is on FIYAAAAH!!  And of course she's been taking care of my kids for over a week because I got a cold during hormone week.  (read: DISASTER) (read: MOST MEDS I'VE TAKEN IN WEEKS)

I guess it was the perfect storm: Em's very small birthday playdate, we're talking ONE friend, plus a few cousins.  Hardly any decorations, no games, one cake.  That's all.  We had naps and everything! I totally took it easy.  But it was the beginning of the most wicked pre-hormonal migraine I've had in a long time.  Plus I started getting a cold. *shake my head* I do not know how these things happen.  Man plans and the universe says, "Just kidding lol ;)!".  That was a Friday, I got a migraine on Saturday, sang in church on Sunday, and curled up and died on Monday.  Felt better by the following Saturday, overdid it at Family Olympics yesterday at Church, and am back on the heavy meds.  WTF you may or may not ask?  If I ever try to act like I am a normal person who can do normal things, my body is quick, ruthless, and completely unforgiving.  I swear, between pre-hormones and post-hormones, plus a cold, plus singing, plus overdoing things when I start to feel better, plus a party to kick it all off, I just want to punch something.  And it makes me hate doing anything ever, while simultaneously becoming bitter that I can't do anything ever.  But my cake kicked ass.

And in other good news, Ritz crackers are so incredibly processed, that apparently Sasha can eat 2 1/2 of them and not die!  They have wheat in them and corn syrup as well, but she's been just over 24 hours since the girls were in Sunday school having so much fun that they forgot that Sasha isn't supposed to eat the snacks there, and we've seen no adverse effects.  Nothing like the last time she got corn meal, Hallelujah, nor the last time she got full on whole wheat.  Which makes me wonder, if a small quantity of highly processed modern wheat doesn't bother her, how well would she take ancient, un-crossbred, un-genetically modified wheat?  The Sunday school mistake may prove serendipitous.

A few things have become clear. 1) I do not pay my Mom enough.  Of course, I do keep her supplied in starbucks, plus rent, so...  2) Holyshit, school starts in 2 weeks, and I am devastated.  3) I'm pretty sure I'm never going to play music again.  But at least Emily is learning the Ukulele, entirely since I've had a migraine.  So if I ever stop having a migraine...

Pediatric Neurology

It sounds so imposing.  Emily is 5 and 11-and-a-half/12ths, and her GP's office is searching for a Pediatric Neurologist within reasonable driving distance who takes our insurance.  We may have to go to San Jose.  But her GP (General Practitioner aka: regular Dr.) was impressed with my note taking skills.  What I didn't tell him is that the reason I upgraded when I could to a new iphone is so I could have a migraine journal I could talk to, literally.  Now I have two migraine journals on the same phone that I can talk to, and it made Emily's Dr. appointment today go really quickly.  He said I should also keep track of what she eats.  Funny.  I then told him what she eats, so again, not my first rodeo.  Her being the 4th generation (we know of) in a line of females to get migraines does a lot by way of genetic research, and so far we don't seem to have food triggers. (Well, except possibly for nitrates and sulfites.)  We have schedule and stress and light and noise and weather triggers, you know, things less easily controlled.  Food, now that's easy.  By comparison anyway.

In one sense I'm rather proud that Em's going to be getting her first neurologist in the summer before 1st grade.  I didn't get my first neurologist worth her salt anyway until about a year and a half ago.  I wish I'd had a GP worth his salt when I started getting heinous migraines regularly in college.  The idiot I was seeing was no help whatsoever, and he eventually sent me to a neurologist who was also no help whatsoever.  They probably had some sort of a deal.  I hope we find someone worth having, although there isn't much you can do at this point unless I want to drug the kid up, an option I'm still not really into.  And since I am no longer in denial that Em is in fact getting abdominal migraines, we're managing them better and she hasn't had a severe one in a couple of months.  But school starts up again soon, and I am already upset about them interfering with school, which is probably the wrong attitude to have in general.  *sigh*  Effing migraines.

But back to food, we eat a good diet, and we keep striving for a better one.  We're also trying to get back to a better schedule since Sasha has taken to wetting the bed almost every night since summer began.  Also, Sasha appears to be manifesting the demons we haven't seen since she was eating wheat and corn, although her skin is still in perfect condition.  (I mean, the bald spot is still mostly bald, but it's slowly growing back in...) That girl's body has a way of telling us in no uncertain terms when trouble is a brewin'.  Lord help us all come puberty.

I read about a study recently concerning the human body and its schedules, and the stress incurred when one deviates even by an hour from say, lunch or other expected activities.  It suggested that you can really increase the stress in your life by Not keeping a routine, which had all kinds of negative physiological effects like increased blood pressure, etc.  Conversely, by keeping a good routine you could decrease stress.  I was like, no shit.  Sometimes I feel like science could learn a lot by observing my little family.  Screw with our schedule and Emily and I will get migraines, and Sasha manifests demons and wets the bed.  DESPITE the massive diet change.  Just to keep my family alive and functional, I not only had to change 98% of what we were eating, I also have to keep an extremely tight reign on our schedule.  And to prove it, very soon half of the human occupants of this house will have their very own neurologist, and will I really be surprised if that number jumps up to 75% of the human occupants in another couple of years?

So what do I do with this beside plow through and blog about it?  It would seem that life is affecting us, manifesting differently for each of us.  We still play and sing and eat, but we suffer too.  Doesn't everyone?  I guess most people eat wheat and corn, and don't have their own neurologist.  But on the scale of neurological disability, migraine isn't really so bad.  We steer by the 7th dorsal wing...

Truth is...

...it's never a routine kid-handoff when a set of epi-pens and the instructions, "Feed them ONLY the food I've given you to feed them and Absolutely nothing else or I'll kill you, and also no play-doh." is involved.

...it's beyond a major hassle (and I cannot over stress this) saying Yes to visits, but making clear, absolutely clear that I need a darkish room with a fan or other comparable noise and no screaming kids between the hours of 1:30 and 3, or I WILL get a migraine, fall asleep at dinner, and hate you.

 ... it's a really sad (stressful, shocking) unfortunate misunderstanding when I ask you not to bring your goddamned allergens into my house, my one safe zone, and somehow you misunderstand that and bring them anyway. Or you whine about not being able to bring them. Or you eat them RIGHT BEFORE walking in.


We might look like most people, but we're not like most people at all, so I can see why most people don't understand. But life is one long perpetual pain and hassle, and I'm beat, because even those closest to us don't understand, because they are not us. They don't live in our bodies, even if they occasionally eat our food. They don't have a migraine every single waking minute of their lives and call a "Flare Up" what the rest of the earth calls a "Migraine", a migraine that literally, never goes completely away, and if I ever treat my body as if it has, it flares up with a wicked vengeance, 100effing% of the time. 


If I don't advocate hard and loud for myself and for my kids, no one will.  Not that it's anyone else's job, but that's why I don't really want to go anywhere or do anything.  Because it's one giant battle for survival, at school, at the store, at the playground, and even occasionally in my own damn house. And unfortunately, it's not like I can say what I have to say calmly and politely for most people to understand.  I have to say it over and over (to some of the same people mind you) and they often STILL won't get it.  It's just too much work, too much misunderstanding, too many idiots, too little willingness to communicate or cooperate, and I'm too burnt, and the consequences are too real.  


Truth is, finding balance is the hardest part of all.  I have to run a house and raise my kids, but not overdo it and trigger more migraine flare ups than I'm already going to get just by living and breathing.  I have to do Gobs of research and make weird ass food, but not let it overwhelm me; I still have to enjoy feeding my family.  But the hardest balance of all to strike for me, is probably a result of the fact that I am a major people person.  I have to be gracious with the dense, yet advocate FIRMLY (Loudly and in your Facely) or we all get hurt from the wrong foods or an off schedule.  And I think it is a pity and a shame.  My Neurologist, has no such pity.  And I kind of love her for it.


Truth is..."But naps are so good for you!" She says as she smiles at me.  I tell her that it keeps us from going places and doing things like normal people and I kid you not, she looked at me blankly and kept smiling, as if that weren't actually important.  I griped that I had been feeling so good lately that I majorly overdid it by baking two different items in one day, and was rewarded with a three day migraine for my efforts, and she was happy for me that I was learning my limits!  She's so positive and happy with my progress, I mean, am I missing something?!? Is it Not a total shame that we're so bizarrely different from the rest of the world?!!!  (Er...the U.S. since most of the rest of the world takes an afternoon nap as our bodies suggest we do...pause for genuine question reflection...)  I'll tell you why for the first in my life, I don't like being so different, and it's not because of the hassle of researching and buying and making weird ass (expensive, hard to find) food, and it's not even because school could actually kill Emily some day; It's because it hurts.  


Being the only one able to fully stand up for myself and my kids hurts.  Being the only one willing and capable to explain over and over to people who don't get it, don't believe it, or don't care, hurts.  I don't mind explaining at all, I mind the disbelief, the scorn, and the numbskulls.  And some backup would be nice.  And some backup who looked like Captain America, well...just sayin'. (;

Having the kids in school kicked my butt.  Having them on Summer break is kicking my butt.  I'm seeing a disturbing pattern here.  We have one secret weapon left: Grandma Is Now On Summer Break Too.  Perhaps, PERHAPS with an extra hand around, I'll be able to contemplate what I suspect my Neurologist was trying to tell me.  And maybe I will find that balance between Advocate and "Yell-at-you-with-my-eyes" with "Give you the face-finger".  Funny the things you can still do on Botox.

And then it was Summer (o.O)

Yeah, totally weird.  I checked my calendar and suddenly all that was on it was small stuff.  Well, if you consider 27 injections of Bolulinum Toxin type A in my head and neck small stuff.  I consider that smaller than a field trip during nap time.  Ugh, now THAT'S a nightmare, especially if special food, epinephrine, and childcare is involved.  But no more!  For glorious summer is here, and this summer is totally new, the newest summer of all since I had a new baby named Emily almost 6 years ago.

Geeze, we could get up and go to Whole Foods in the morning and be back by nap time, any day of the week.  Instead of cramming everyone into the car by 7:55AM, I may be able to locate Teff Flour and attempt tortillas, education be damned!  What the crap is a Teff?!?  It's starting to become clear to me, the possibilities.  I WILL get massages more regularly.  Promise.  We may yet move past the 'just survival' phase of food and migraines.  And believe you me, I am counting the days until my Mom is on summer break.

I am such a dreamer.  I always dream so big, and tend not to be too crushed when most of what I dream of doesn't exactly happen, because I am perfectly aware of the fact that I dream huge.  I like anticipation, the maybe.  I like to wonder and imagine possibilities.  And since no one (important to me anyway) has ever been in the business of telling me that my ideas suck, they just keep coming.  So MAYBE this will be the breakout summer of food beyond weird and healthy.  MAYBE I'll figure out how to really work the internets and start a Nut, Gluten, and Corn-Free food blog.  MAYBE I'll figure out my &^$#%^* bread machine, and we will feast on safe bread.  MAYBE I'll get addicted to Pinterest.  Just kidding.  I keep trying, but my chromosomes are apparently defective somehow. ;) MAYBE the girls will take a dance class.  MAYBE I'll play some music.  (maybe the poor dog will get walked.)  At the very least, I'd like to go see the Avengers again.  You gotta start somewhere!